Celena Becoming

I AM BACK!

2011-02-12T00:16:00.001-08:00

I can hardly believe that it has been over 4 years since I last blogged. So much has happened in that time. Marriage, 2 kids, new job (which is now an "old" job) and a new "side" business. I have so much to share. I am literally keeping a list of all that I want to blog about and cannot wait to get going. The most difficult part will be to actually find the time to blog - with two children under the age of 2, one teen and a husband - this may prove difficult. I will have to figure it out like I do with everything else. I always say that there aren't enough hours in the day but if another 2 hours were added, I'd quickly fill that up and I still wouldn't have enough time. With that said..I must get some sleep before my day truly begins!

He Proposed To Me...

2006-10-26T20:46:00.001-07:00

He Proposed To Me
------Kelly Price (lyrics revised by me)

IT WAS AN ORDINARY DAY OCTOBER 22ND
MY BABY HOOKED UP HIS PLACE AS A SPECIAL SPACE
SAID HE HAD A SUPRISE FOR ME
HE TOLD ME TO CLOSE MY EYES
SO THAT I COULD NOT SEE AND WHEN I OPENED THEM UP
HE WAS ON BOTH KNEES REACHIN' FOR MY HAND (THAT'S WHEN)

HE PROPOSED TO ME- HE PROPOSED WITH A DIAMOND RING
I STARTED SHOUTING - HE PLACED IT ON MY FINGER AND I SAID
YES- HE PROPOSED TO ME- MY BABY PROPOSED WITH A DIAMOND
RING I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT I LOOKED IN HIS EYES AND I
SAID YES.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT NIGHT- IT WAS 2:10 AM TO BE
PRECISE
HE LOOKED INTO MY EYES AND SAID-YOU'VE MADE ME THE
HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE. SOON AS I GOT HOME I CALLED MY
MOTHER ON THE PHONE- I SAID MAMA YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST
HAPPENED TO ME

WE WILL BE TOGETHER-THIS I KNOW
WE WILL LOVE FOREVER MY HEART TOLD ME SO
IF YOU PROMISE TO HOLD ME TIGHT AND NEVER LET ME GO
WE'LL BE HUSBAND AND WIFE
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES

After 4 years of courtship but most importantly after 14 years of friendship, JJ asked me to be his wife. Although I knew it was coming: we are planning for him to move in shortly; we were already considering wedding dates for 2007 and had already called on my line sister for her wedding planning expertise; and he'd been asking me for my ring size, preference and all that jazz... I knew it was coming.. what I didn't know was just HOW it was coming.....

All week I had the feeling this weekend would be THE WEEKEND.
There were SIGNS:
For one, wedding discussions seemed to be on the rise. We'd been discussing wedding plans but this particular week seemed to be laced with wedding talk. He was also chatting it up with my mom much more often than usual and she seemed particularly stressed. She was driving him a bit insane and though he didn't exactly put it out there like that ....I could tell. A big topic that week was whether or not he should call my dad to tell him he wanted to marry me. He's only met my dad once but that's a different blog. Nothing to do with J..just my own issues. After I told him that telling my dad before the proposal wasn't a big issue for me and that we could just meet with my dad over the holidays or something for them to get to know one another better, the discussion was dropped.

J had also requested to get off early on October 21st which in and of itself was weird because he usually talks to me about getting off early or taking days off and it's usually for a purpose. This time he just told me he'd done it. He also added that he thought it would be cool if we hung out with my cousins J and T. It had been a long time since we hung out together so he thought since he was getting off early and it was T's bday, we should get together.

He also tells me that we don't get enough QT together and he wants to pamper me, rub my feet (he's a master at that) and may even make me some dessert. I am not suspicious of this part because he does stuff like this and I'd just recently pampered him with a surprise bubble bath so I'm thinking "hey payback is great.:))

But that Monday, my cousin J calls me and says she was thinking that since it'd been a long time since we'd all hung out that we should hang out on Saturday... HMMMMMM..... so that night I ask J if he'd spoken to J and he says "Why?" (you see that's where he messed up cuz his initial reaction should have been "no" if they hadn't spoken) so I tell him about the voicemail she left me and he says "No. I didn't speak to her" and tries to change the subject. I say "Yall must have some ESP going on cuz how weird it is that you've been saying for the past few days that u want to hang with my cousins then J calls saying the same thing...HMMMMM.

Then he keeps stressing that he wants to eat at Cafe Espanol because he has a craving for their chicken francaise. Cafe Espanol is where we had our first date so I'm like ... THIS HAS GOT TO BE IT!! He's trying to throw me off by saying we are going to go meet up at some lounge, bar or whatever after dinner though no meeting place was ever decided upon until my cousin says she's going to celebrate her birthday at Jade Terrace on 48th and 8th avenue like the day before we are all supposed to hang out. I'm thinking he's going to have my fam and friends at Cafe Espanol where he will DO IT!

Sooooo I wake up on Saturday morning feeling really giddy and even write in my journal that I think today (October 21st) is THE DAY. I do my normal Saturday routine (laundry, cleaning around the house, paying bills, taking my daughter to basketball) but I also make time to get my HAIR AND NAILS DONE (I just knew he was going to DO IT that day, the hair and ESPECIALLY the nails had to be on point).
The only catch was I had my monthly sister circle meeting from 4-8pm and he wanted to meet at the restaurant at around that same time. I didn't want to cancel my participation in the circle so I did promise him that I wouldn't go over time and would meet him in the village as soon as it was over (and if it wasn't, I'd still leave).

During my sista circle meeting my mother calls and asks if I was still in my meeting and I'm like yeah, we started late. She gets all agitated like well don't you have to go home to change for when you hang out with J, J and T and I say "No, what I had on earlier is what I am wearing" which I thought was dressy enough but not overdoing it since I was supposed to be "surprised." She says "you are going to wear THAT?" so now I'm getting aggravated cuz I'm thinking why in the hell is she stressing what I'm wearing but then I remember.... it's all in the plan...She wants me to be more dressed up for the big "SURPRISE"... "What I'm wearing is just fine" I say and hang up.

At exactly 8pm the sista circle was all wrapped up, I freshened up and got myself ready to leave. I just knew that my sista circle crew of which one of my best friends since 9th grade is apart of, was going to hop in a cab to make it to the restaurant where all of the engagement activities I'd envisioned would be.
I say my goodbyes to them, jump in my car, then meet J.

When we meet, he's a little annoyed cuz he says my mom called him upset that I was short on the phone with her earlier, yada yada yada so I'm getting a little pissed myself. I try to call her to ask her why she called him upset but no one answers the phone. Then it hits me again....I shouldn't be pissed because she is probably at the restaurant now...and this is another part of the "PLAN."

We arrive at the restaurant and I realize that it is the other Cafe Espanol and not the one we had our first date at (which is on Carmine Street; we were at the one on Bleeker). But I think that this "change" in location is yet another ploy to throw me off...

We walk into the restaurant and I swear everyone is in on the BIG SURPRISE. I'm smiling at everyone like I'm Ms. Universe. Everyone seems to be smiling back at me so they've got to be in on IT. We place our coats in coat check while I quickly scan the coats thinking that I'll spot a familiar coat. I don't.

We are escorted into the restaurant and I am fully expecting to be led to a back room where the party in my honor is being held. Instead of leading us to a room off the back, the hostess seats us at at table for two upfront. A TABLE FOR TWO... ?!!?#$!? I'm thinking this is wrong. Where is the BIG room with the BIG party for my BIG moment??!!!?

Even though this seating arrangement puts a little glitch in the plan in my head, I am still POSITIVE that this is yet another tactic of his to throw me off. He orders sangria for us. We toast. We drink. We talk. NO proposal. We get our appetizers. We eat. We drink some more. No family members come bumrushing the area for the PROPOSAL. We get our salads. We eat them. We drink more. Where in the hell is the ring???? We get our meals. We eat. We chat. He asks me some crazy crap about the ring I want and what he wants as his ring and I'm getting a little ticked off. If he's going to propose to me any minute why is he still talking about ring styles. It should be in his pocket, damnit! I continue to smile. I scan the restaurant. Surely the couple beside us is in on the PLAN. We finish up our meals. Ask the waiter to wrap up what's left. He's surely going to do it now... where's my family??? Where are my friends? He goes to the bathroom. Yeah Boyeeeeee he's gonna do it when he returns. He's just a little nervous. I'm cheesing. Looking all around me. He returns. Is he about to....oh no...he takes his seat and asks the waiter for the check...
what the???@#@Q!!!

Check comes. Bill is paid. Are you ready?? Well I guess the hell so.. "Sure babe i'm ready." We get our coats from the coatcheck. There's still time. We leave.

He's not going to propose to me (womp womp). He MUST have plans to do it when we go on our cruise in two weeks. Determined not to let my disappointment show. After all, he'd wonder why I had a sourpuss face, I shake it off, sure of the fact that IT will happen while we are sailing the carribbean. I plan to enjoy the rest of the evening, partying with my cousins, and then afterwards, getting pampered as he'd promised along with the good dessert, I'm sure he's whipped up.

We head uptown to Jade Terrace where we are to meet with my cousins. They are running late so J and I find a park then chill in the car for a while before heading inside the club. The music at JT is cool but the people are young and we just aren't feeling it. We are trying to hang in there for T but we are getting restless and they have not yet arrived. It's getting later and later. J is ready to go but I don't want to break out before they get there. Finally they say they are outside (after 2 hours of us waiting.. it's now after 1am) but my cousin T realizes she left her ID at home and can't get in. J is pissed because he was ready to leave a long time ago. I tell him not to be like that because then I'd get pissed and we still had my pampering to get to.

We step outside which is madness in and of itself. Everyone and their mama is trying to get into the wack ass party. We find my cousins. Take a few flicks. Have a few laughs. We even witness a minor car accident while we are chilling outside (no one was hurt.)
After a while my feet begin to ache...shoes are cute but were not made for just standing around. We say our goodbyes. We head back to Brooklyn. I can't wait for my pampering!!

When we get to his door, he unlocks it then tells me to push it open. When I do, I am in absolute awe. Red rose petals are everywhere. A mink throw covers his ottoman which also has rose petals scattered about. On the floor next to the ottoman is a bottle of champagne chillin' on ice. The tv is tuned to the r&b smooth grooves station. There is one dim light on in the corner giving the room a dreamy effect. Tea lights are resting on his baker's rack (yes, the man cooks and bakes so he has a baker's rack) waiting to be lit with two small plates and forks beside them.

I feel all mushy inside and tell him how beautiful it all is. Of course, being the camera queen that I am, I start snapping pictures. None of what he has done has me at all suspicious because he'd been telling me about pampering me and he does really sweet things like this all of the time. Truth be told, I'm hype on the foot massage I'm about to get.

I go to the bathroom to wash up and he tells me not to go into the fridge for anything. "If you need something, just tell me and I'll get it."
"No problem." I say. I figure he doesn't want me to see what it is that he's baked for me.
After I'm washed up and take a seat on the coach still admiring the scene before me and taking in the smooth r&b sounds, he asks "Are you ready for dessert or do you want the rest of the food from the restaurant?"

Being the nosy person that I am, I can't wait to see what he's baked but I'm also a little hungry...I hesitate before I reply "Dessert!"

He disappears into the kitchen saying that he has to set it up so I'm thinking he's going to bring out a dessert that he's going to light up with sparklers or something. I feel really giddy at this point wondering what dessert he's cooked up this time. He reappears holding a large white cardboard box which he places on his baker's rack.

"Come here and open it up."

I leap off the coach like a little girl on Christmas morning ready to open her gifts. I open up the box and out of the corner of my eye I see him reach for his camera. At the same time, I lay my eyes on the cake...my favorite...strawberry shortcake with luscious strawberries around the outer ring of the cake... but there are some words there... in the middle of the cake...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I immediately slam the top of the box down. I don't believe my eyes. I feel like I might pass out. My body begins to shake uncontrollably. I lift the box back up and begin what I suppose is every "girlfriendwho'sbeing proposedtochant"..."OHMYGOD.OHMYGOD.OHMYGOD" I keep repeating this over and over, body shaking. He's snapping pictures. He then goes into the kitchen and comes out with a small mahogony wood box. He grabs my hand then gets down on BOTH knees. I'm still shaking.

"L, I may not be able to give you much but I love you and will try to always make you happy." I am caressing his head and hugging him to my chest while he continues, "I want to spend my life with you...

Truth be told I didn't even hear him ask me to marry him. I just yelled out "YES. YES. YES... put the DAMN RING ONNNNN!!!"

He puts it on which for the life of me I don't know how he was able to since I was shaking so damn much. He gets it on. I'm hugging him. Kissing him. Then... I look at the ring. I REALLY LOOK at the ring...

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD... the mantra resumes. I fall to the ground hugging my knees.. overwhelmed with joy and love. And DAMN... "This ring is CRAAAAAAAAAAZZZZYYYYY!!!!" I yell.

I'm rolling every which way on the floor, hugging myself, hugging my knees, admiring my ring, admiring my man... my FIANCE!! I can't get back up. He reaches for my hand. I tell him to sit beside me because I don't think my legs will hold me up. But he pulls me up to him. I steady myself. We embrace. We kiss.

"We're engaged, baby!!!" I breathe into his ear. Then I pull back and look into his eyes, "Are you really ready for this?"

"I better be!" We giggle like two little kids in a schoolyard who've just given each other an innocent kiss.

I look back at the cake reading the words over and over again. I can't believe this is happening. To me!! He pops the champagne and pours us two glasses. I raise my glass to him and tell him how much I love him, how happy I am and how I cannot wait to begin this journey with him. He looks at me with this really serious expression and tells me that he forgot to say something while he was proposing.
"I just want you to know that I love your daughter very much. When people ask me if I have any kids now, I say 'Yes, I have a daughter' and it feels good to say that."

I've known for a long time that he is the man for me but those words put the icing on top of the cake, the ring, and our life.

He is truly my everything.

Let the journey begin.....

Be still, and know that I am God - Psalms 46:10

2006-01-25T19:35:00.000-08:00

I am constantly moving. Always in a state of frenzy. Always doing. Always running. Even when my body is still my mind is running a marathon. In the morning when I first open my eyes, I try to say a prayer thanking God for allowing me to see another day, asking him to bless all of the people who are a blessing in my life and all of those who I don't even know are a blesssing or are about to become a blessing. But for the life of me, I could be five seconds into prayer and already my mind is wandering.
"What am I going to wear today? I wonder what the weather is like? I have to finish that project by noon..." Oh, I'm sorry, God. I'm supposed to be praying. Lord, pls. allow me to be a blessing to someone today...If I don't get that report done by noon, I'm going to have to reschedule that meeting for tomorrow. But tomorrow I have to drive to the program upstate....I did it again. God, pls. don't let me get stressed out today. Pls. help me to remain calm when people are working my nerves..I am going to be so nervous when I have to speak at the Open House. I need to prepare a few remarks......

And this is every morning. I can't even be still when I am tangled in my sheets with the eye trash yet to be wiped away. My mind is racing.

I realize though that God wants me to focus. Two people in less than 1 week quoted that same scripture to me. One person told me that God told him to write it and not to send his reply to my email until he typed that in the message. And right in the middle of the message was just that.

I was speaking with someone yesterday and she was discussing something in her life but when she spoke, she said it as if she were speaking of me.

I get it God. Just not sure how to do it. I am so conditioned to do 10.5 things at once. Pls. help me to learn to give you the attention and the time that you deserve. Maybe when I do this, I'll really know and understand what it is that you want me to do instead of me constantly running around in a tizzy trying to figure it out.

Representin'

2006-01-25T19:13:00.000-08:00

I was having dinner with a participant in one of my programs. A really sweet Black woman who when I first met her gave me the impression that she wasn't that friendly. You know there are some people who no matter how nice you might be to them they are always looking at you like you are crazy. So I was quite surprised when she sat next to me at dinner and seemed very interested in me --- where are you from? how long have you been working here? etc.

After I told her a bit of my background, she reached over and said..."Sister, I just want you to know how proud I am of you. When I first came to the program and you introduced yourself as the Director, I was so happy. I love seeing young women of color in positions of power. Don't let these people stress you out. You continue to be a woman of integrity and honor. You just handle your business. I am so proud."

In a time when I am going back and forth about my purpose in my current position, spending so many sleepless nights about my future contemplating what I really want and need to be doing with my life, she'll never know how much her comments meant to me. While I don't know how much longer I'll be there (only God knows for sure), one thing I know is that if nothing else, I created a space where there was none before. And there are people who are proud and inspired by that. What a wonderful feeling that is.

On Hiatus

2006-01-05T16:29:00.000-08:00

Ok I know I haven't posted anything in a minute.. Ok it's been more than a minute. It's been exactly 33 days. I've just been really busy with birthdays (my grandma's, mine, my daughter), the holidays (note that I did all of my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve (what the ____ was I thinking??) Anyways. I have ALOT to say and it's coming. Real soon. I made a promise to myself to stay true to the things that I like to do which are important to me... writing is definitely one of them.

Thanks to the new folks who posted who I have not responded to directly (my girl, DT and someone I don't know Curious 1). Not too many folks read my blog (partly because not too many people know about it and believe me that's ok) but it's nice to get some positive, uplifting feedback. Thanks.

Until soon.
Celena

Making Peace

2005-12-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

My father called me on Wednesday in the midst of one of my insane days at work to tell me that his wife was back in the hospital and that this is probably it for her.

"I don't know how much time she has. She could be gone today or tomorrow. Doctors can't say but she is very sick. So please call when you have an opportunity..." I was about to say "Sure, will do" when he hit me with "so you can make your peace with her."

I stayed quiet for a moment - long enough for him to know that I was trying my best to not go off on him.

"I'll give her a call. In fact, I may even stop by later on tonight if I can get out of the office. Please give me her info." This was out of respect and love for him and nothing more.

I've never had a relationship with this woman my father married when I was 8 years old. I guess the problems started on the day he married her. I wasn't invited to the wedding though I probably would have made a really cute flower girl. In fact, I didn't even really understand that they were married until I visited with my dad one Saturday afternoon back in 1982. I'd never met her and although my mom knew they had gotten married and may have even mentioned it to me, in my mind, I was just going to meet his girlfriend.

I came across the photo album while going through piles of stuff they had scattered all over the floor. (Guess I was perfecting my investigative skills even at that young age). It was a beautiful white album that said "Our Wedding" in elegant cursive. The first photo was that of what I now know is called the wedding party. I only glanced at my dad clad in a classy black tuxedo and flashing all of his teeth. My eyes lingered a moment or two on his ugly new bride in her lacy, ruffled white wedding gown. I barely looked at anyone in the picture. My eyes locked on this one cute little girl who looked about my age. She had on the prettiest dress I'd ever seen and she was holding flowers. She was doing what I should have been asked to do but I hadn't even been invited.

I wasn't mad at anyone for that incredible slight. No, my 8-year-old mind forgot about it a few bowls of ice cream later but that was just the first of what my relationship with his wife would take shape to be. She didn't want me apart of their world.

She was what one could playfully call an evil stepmother but her rude and just plain nasty behavior was not a game to me. She'd barely look at me when I came over for a visit. She'd grunt "hello" and keep doing whatever she was doing. If I slept over, I'd do my own hair when I got up in the morning which meant I wound up looking like somebody's neglected child. I understand that some people just don't like to comb children's hair - shoot, I don't like to comb my own daughter's hair but of course, I do it. The problem is she was a hairdresser who owned her own beauty shop. I can count the times on one hand that she did my hair in all the years she's been with my father.

On several occassions, I would call to speak to my dad and she'd say "He's sleeping" then slam the phone down before I could get the words "Please tell him I called.." out of my mouth. When I did finally speak to him, he of course would tell me that he never got the message. After about the 20th time of her hanging up on me, my mother called her and told her she would go over there and kick her ass if she ever hung up on me again. After that incident, she would simply hand the phone to him or mumble "MmmHmm" when I asked her to let him know that I called.

She never bought me anything, never acknowledged my birthday (though her birthday is only 4 days before mine and I would sometimes call her on her birthday), never wished me a Merry Christmas.

I was especially pissed off when my father had her tag along for one of the most important times of my life - my drive down to college. I didn't know she would be coming along so when my father showed up with her sitting in the frontseat, I don't know who was angrier me, my mother or my assorted family members and friends who were there to bid me farewell and had witnessed her mean-spirited behavior over the years. I had to sit in a little space in the backseat for that 8-hour drive since I had so many things to carry down to school. The frontseat should have been for me but again, I was given the shaft.

But it wasn't just about barely greeting me when I visited, not combing my hair, being rude when I called, or tagging along for my trip down to college. It was about what my father allowed her to do.

I never spent a holiday with her and my dad. I'd learned from my mom and again directly from my dad that she never wanted me there. She'd told my father when they got married that she didn't like kids especially his (he has another daughter from a different woman. My sister can't stand his wife either). We'd never done anything to her. We just existed. I was a child and she was the adult. She should have known better but more importantly, my father shouldn't have married a woman that could not, would not accept his children. But he did.

They were married for twenty-three years but a heart-to-heart with my dad about three years ago would reveal that their marriage was pretty much over at year 10. Their marriage had fallen apart a long time ago but they kept hanging in there for reasons beyond my understanding. It definitely wasn't for the kids - they never had any. And even as their marriage suffered he still allowed her to disrespect his children often chiding me for not being more cordial when I called the house or reaching out to get to know her. I know that he had a lot of arguments with her about her behavior as well but I felt that wasn't enough. If my man EVER treated my daughter badly he'd be out the door so quick his head would spin.

It wasn't up to me to reach out to her. As I got older I knew that I never wanted to get to know her. She wasn't a nice person to me when I was a child so why should I attempt to be kind to her as an adult. I wasn't rude to her. I just didn't deal with her unless I had to.

And I HAD to in 2000, when my grandmother passed away. We shared another agonizing 8-hour drive together to attend her funeral. My dad was already down south and he thought it would be great if his wife and I shared the drive down. I hated the thought but getting to my grandmother's funeral was the goal. I believe my father was hoping that we'd miraculously bond on the way down and be the stepmother/daughter duo he'd always thought we'd be. Negative. I don't think we said more than ten words to one another during that entire drive. I was wrapped up in thoughts of my dead grandmother who I would miss terribly and she.... well, who knows what her mind was wrapped up in. Frankly, I didn't care.

My father and his wife continued to remain engaged in their union despite their problems. When they finally decided to get a divorce because the arguments were becoming too much, too violent (she attacked him on several occassions. My sister and I plotted to beat her ass on those several occassions but decided against it in the end.) and just plain unbearable, they discovered she had lung cancer. She was a chain smoker. She and I almost got into it once because she even smoked in front of my daughter who she knows has asthma.

I can't say that I was particularly sad to hear that she had cancer. That may sound evil but I'm being real. What made me feel even less upset about it is that she continued to fight with my father even with her sickness. It seemed as if their relationship got even worse but he's been hanging in there to help her through the pain.

Now that she's approaching her final days, I believe my father still has hope that we will connect in some way. He doesn't realize that that will never happen. I did call to tell her she was in my thoughts but she could not come to the phone because she was in too much pain. I do feel bad to see any human being in pain and I sincerely wanted to tell her that I'd be praying for her. I even drove down to the hospital to see her yesterday but found out that she'd already left. She will be living her final days in hospice at home.

I called my dad to let him know that I'd attempted to see her and would it be ok for me to stop by today to see her but he told me she has plans. That struck me as odd given that she's dying but apparently today is the day of her retirement from the beauty business and it's the last hoorah she's been waiting for.

"This is why I was telling you to call or come to see her at the hospital" my father snapped.

"Well, I did call but she couldn't talk and I did go down to the hospital but she was already gone," I snapped back.

At that moment I decided that I wasn't going to make any more attempts. Some people are never meant to be friends or engage in any type of relationship. She was married to my father for over 20 years and it was never important to her to get to know me as it was never important or necessary for me to get to know her. Sometimes it's like that and that's ok.

She's dying and my father wants me to make peace with her but I was never the one with a beef. There is no peace to be made in my mind though I pray that she does rest in it when her time comes.

Crying in the Workplace

2005-11-22T19:54:00.000-08:00

I did it.... I finally f***ing did it. Something I never, ever, EVER wanted to do because no matter how much I complain about being overwhelmed and having to carry an unbelievable load and be superwoman all of the time, I AM NEVER, EVER, EVER supposed to break down at work. AND I had the audacity to do it twice. Once in front of my old boss and again, in front of my new boss. It wasn't that pitiful, boo-hoo crying (thank GOD) but it was the "my team has worked our asses off and it hasn't yielded the results we expected, I'm disappointed, tired and just need to release for a moment" type of cry.
Mind you my old boss, as I've indicated in a prior blog, used to carry on like a madwoman at work (crying, cursing, screaming) when things weren't working out the way she' d hoped. I was a bit choked up and messed up my mascara HOWEVER that is soooooo unlike me, and I despise that type of shit. NEVER let em see u sweat. That's the school I come from. But I did it. I let them see me cry which is even worse. Both my old and new boss were completely sympathetic and very kind but DAMN why the hell am I letting shit stress me out so much that I actually shed a tear at work???!!##$#@!.
I just came back from a 10-day vacation, 7 days of which were spent on a cruise in the Western Carribbean with my man (it was great though I almost killed myself riding an ATV. Will write more on the trip and my near death experience at a later date) but now I feel like I never had a damn vacation. Being the HNIC is not fun and I can't believe I signed up for this shit. I don't want to be the boss anymore. It's too fuckin' stressful! And now I'm crying at work?? What the FUCK?!!?

I am so tired. I need to get my shit together or I might just have a damn nervous breakdown at work and I don't think I could live with myself if I did that. Any way --- What's up w/ me buckling under pressure? I'm acting like a straight bitch-ass punk. But I am soooo damn tired. Hmmmmm, I almost forgot.... this is my PMS week.

Anyway

2005-11-02T19:34:00.000-08:00

I received the following piece in an email a very long time ago then someone sent it to me again just recently. I have placed it on my blog so that I can always remember it.

Sometimes I question why I do the things I do. While this piece doesn't give any answers as to why life can at times be cruel no matter what you do, it serves as a reminder that you should always attempt to be the better person regardless of how others might react. I am a true believer in karma - what comes around... you know the rest - no matter what, we should always remember that what we throw out into the universe will always come back to us tenfold. Why not throw out a little positivity?

*People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
* If you do good, people will accuse you of ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
* If you are successful you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
* The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
* Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
* People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for some underdogs anyway.
* What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
* People really need help but may attack you if you help them.
Help people anyway.
* Give the world the best you've got and you may get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

Sometimes

2005-10-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't want to be superwoman
always on time and reliable
always organized and focused
the single mother who holds down a full-time job
while juggling not just motherhood but volunteer activities and other affiliations and at the same time pleasing my man.
I'm tired.
Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode
which scares me because I am always holding it down and keeping it together while everyone else around me is "allowed" to have nervous breakdowns and curse people out.

My old boss used to do it all of the time
cry, scream, curse and act like a straight fool when she was "having a moment"
right in the office
me?.... I am seen as the unbreakable one
the one who remains calm in the midst of the storm
as I should - anything other than that is unprofessional as far as I'm concerned
but there are times when i do want to cry, scream and curse and act like a straight fool
and have my own damn moment
because
i'm tired.

But the Black Woman is always seen as the one person you can pile EVERY damn thing on and she will hold it down.
and i do, hold it down.
have been for a very long time.
but how much can one person take?
i'm mommy, daddy, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, girlfriend, best friend, soror, boss-lady, team player, colleague, board member, volunteer
not to mention
breadwinner, fire extinguisher or starter (whatever the job calls for), police officer, peacekeeper, housekeeper, teacher, manager, mentor, coach

Sometimes I just don't want to do anything
have to be anywhere
have to take care of anybody
and not because I don't love my daughter, my mother, my man, my friends or appreciate the opportunities God has provided me with.
I am so humbled and so very grateful but
Sometimes
I just get tired.

I just want to be catered to and taken care of with no strings attached
no feelings of guilt
I just want it to be about me for more than a minute

Sometimes
I wish I had a priviledged life
and didn't have to work so damn hard every damn day
I'm not saying I'd be completely happy
but it sure as hell would mean a little more time to focus on me and what I want to do
instead of always having to just make do
or just do because it needs to be done

Sometimes
I just want some damn peace
I don't want to feel so run down and worn out
and aggravated and impatient and
angry
I want to smile more often and laugh even more
and feel sad and scared much less
just like I used to
when it all really was so much simpler than it is now

Sometimes I just want to feel free
Sometimes I don't want to be superwoman
Sometimes I just want to be the old me

Sevens

2005-10-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

At the request of DJ DIVA, I am completing my "7's" assignment:

7 things I plan to do before I die:

1. Get selected as an honoree for the annual Essence Awards for doing something phenomenal for my community. (I know it sounds kinda self-serving but I’ve just always wanted to wear a fabulous gown, waltz across the stage and recite a flawless acceptance speech. DAMN! I said I would do something phenomenal for my community first!).
2. Skydive.
3. Visit all of the continents.
4. Get married (or he’ll die!)
5. Go to law school or get a Ph.D (still tossing it up but one of the two will happen).
6. Write, publish, and sell a few million copies of a few books.
7. Be financially secure (sooner rather than later!)

7 things I can do:
1. Make people feel good about themselves.
2. Express myself on paper.
3. Dance.
4. Type really fast.
5. Remain incredibly calm in a crisis.
6. Zone people out.
7. Sleep in a club.

7 things I cannot do:
1. Cook.
2. Let things go easily.
3. Be the “other” woman. I am the ONLY woman. And don’t try me.
4. Let someone take advantage of me or my child or my mother.
5. Stop reading.
6. Stop writing.
7. Accept mediocrity.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. Heineken on a man’s breathe (see the “100’s”) – ok, just kidding.
2. Physique.
3. Style/Swagger.
4. Positive Attitude.
5. Drive.
6. Realness w/o being rude.
7. Nice lips/smile.

7 things that I say most often:
1. Asshole!
2. Dumb Ass/Dumb F***! (#1 and #2 are choice words when I am driving)
3. For Real?
4. That’s crazy.
5. I’m serious.
6. I'm so hungry.
7. It is what it is.

7 Celebrity crushes:
1. LL Cool J.
2. Robert Deniro.
3. Nelly (face….eh but body…. HELL YEAH!! And he’s got a cute smile).
4. Did I say LL Cool J?
5. Terrance Howard (his eyes are absolutely mesmerizing!)
6. Cory Booker (ok so he’s not quite a celebrity but being a politician is not so different. He looks way better in person, he's tall and he's SUPER sweet!).
7. Oh and I almost forgot… LL Cool J.

7 people I want to do this:

I don’t know anyone else who blogs except for DJ DIVA and she asked me to do it.

The 100's

2005-10-20T17:05:00.000-07:00

I got this idea from someone else's blog (such a biter). Which is funny because only 1 person I know is reading my blog now (or at least aware of my blog). But at some point when I decide to let others know I even have a blog, I hope they'll enjoy reading this. Anywho... with all this said... DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!.... The 100's (100 random truths about me; note that the 100's is also the warm up exercise used in pilates which I should be doing right now... such a slacker.)

1. my middle name was supposed to be my first name but my grandmother told everyone that my first name was what it is now. My mom has no idea why she told everyone this but she didn't want my grandmother to feel bad so she kept the name and made my middle name what it is now, which is also the name used for this blog. r u following me?

2. I'm incredibly EVIL when I am hungry. Keep snacks around.

3. I have freckles on my nose.

4. I was blind for 2 weeks when I was about 2 years old. I wandered into my mom's neighbor's bathroom and decided to put cat litter into my eyes. I rubbed my eyes so bad that the insides were all scratched up and irritated. Wonder I ever got my eyesight back. Idiot!

5. I'm a pack rat. I keep everything (still have old letters and cards from elementary, HS, and college.

6. The first boy I ever kissed was named Lucky. Loser.

7. I like eating my french fries with ketchup and mayonnaise.

8. I was apart of a girl group I co-created in the 80's called Mass Transit (originally the Tenderhearts). We performed at block parties, holiday shows, hospitals, nursing homes, school functions, etc. I regret that we never made a record. I would have been proud to be apart of VH1's One Hit Wonders special.

9. I met Mary J. Blige 2 years ago. I love her. I am her biggest fan. Period.

10. I modeled in a fashion show once.

11. This is my line #. Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.,!!! (I haven't been financial in years...at least I'm honest. I swear I'm going to pay my dues next year!!)

12. I am half Puerto-Rican.

14. I'm superstitious.

15. I LOVE horror flicks. All time favorite? the first Halloween.

16. I ran in the Colgate Women's Games back in the early 80's and fell down on national TV.

17. I am a reality TV show addict: Real World, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Surreal Life, Temptation Island (forgot about that one, huh?), America's Next Top Model, The Apprentice, Nick and Jessica, Wife Swap, Making the Band, Ultimate Hustler, Being Bobby Brown, Run's House, Sweet 16.... should I go on?

18. If I could max out my credit card anywhere in the world (and not have to pay the sh*t back), I'd max it out at Barnes and Noble. I LOVE to read.

19. With that said, I do NOT loan out my books. You gots to get your own, my brotha!

20. If I were to do it all over again... I'd be a professional dancer.

21. I was voted "most likely to succeed" in high school. hmmmm.....

22. My favorite meal: Steak (medium rare), garlic mashed potatos, sweet plantains, oxtails with white rice, flan. Yes, I'd eat all of this in the same sitting.

23. I am deathly afraid of waterbugs.

24. and mice.

25. I like riding big scary rollercoasters.

26. I was a cheerleader for over six years... but I never did a cartwheel or a full split a day in my life.... And I was the captain of my high school cheerleading team. We had a cheer that was set to the beat of "Juicy" by Mtume... you see where this is going.

27. My first alcoholic beverage was a Calvin Cooler then I graduated to Cisco (remember "liquid crack"?) Now my beverage of choice is ginger ale (schweppes!)

28. I love the smell of freshly cut grass

29. and clean laundry

30. and heineken on a man's breathe (ok now that I am in a committed relationship, I don't literally mean any man's breathe... although even before this relationship, I wasn't going around smelling random men's breathe for traces of Heineken).. ok, I'll shut up about this one.

31. I never learned how to swim though I love water.

32. I was a waitress for several years. I both hated and loved that job.

33. I was also a cashier at Pathmark, a cashier at Fuddruckers, and sold men's clothes (high school jobs!!!)

34. I pick the skin on my fingers (yes, nasty but a nervous habit I can't seem to control). You'd never notice. I try to manicure on a regular basis.

35. I received my Masters Degree from Columbia University (while working a full-time job, going to school part-time and being a full-time single mom)... Damn right, I'm proud!!! ;-)

36. I simply adore haggen daaz vanilla swiss almond ice cream.

37. I can't drink coffee - it gives me the runs.

38. My mother almost named me Thomasina Andrea (after my father, Thomas Andrew). Thank God she honored my grandmother's choice (see #1).

39. I hate people who talk too much. Get to the point, please.

40. I put sugar in my grits. Lots of it.

41. I do not like talking on the phone (see #39).

42. I've kept diaries since I was in the 4th grade.

43. I'm allergic to apples. How's that for a random truth?

44. I despise plain white milk. It always tastes sour to me.

45. I partied at the Tunnel every Sunday night for like 2 years straight back in the late 90's.

46. I love McDonald's Fries, Burger King's Whopper Junior w/ Cheese, KFC's chicken (original recipe), and Popeye's biscuits.

47. I purchased my first real bed (not just a mattress and box spring) in May. I Love it!!!

48. I don't like lettuce on my sandwiches. (what's w/ all these random food references.. am I hungry?)

49. I do not like cold weather although I was born in December.

50. I'm a Sagittarius. Born 12.14.73.

51. New Year's Eve and Thanksgiving are my favorite holidays.

52. My Myers-Briggs Personality Type is ESTJ - though I feel much more like an "I" (introvert) than an "E" (extrovert) on most days.

53. I love Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino.

54. and James Todd Smith (LL Cool J)

55. and my man ;-) , "J."

56. I'm my mother's only child.

57. I have one child (for now).

58. I am not a morning person.

59. I had my appendix removed in 1994.

60. Though I like to eat, I do NOT like to cook (I am very grateful that my man does! Whew!)

61. I am extremely hard on myself. If I make a mistake I replay it in my mind for days, possibly weeks on end.

62. I've traveled to the following US states: New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, DC, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Georgia, Missouri, Florida, Chicago, and Nevada. I'd like to get to all of the states someday.

63. I've also traveled to Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Bahamas, Jamaica, St. Thomas, St. John and Paris, France.

64. My dream cars are the Lexus RX and the BMW 5 series.

65. I do not like when people repeat themselves and it's probably because they are talking too much (see #39).

66. I HATE when people say "You look like you've lost weight." For someone who was skinny all of her childhood and a good portion of her adult life, that is like telling someone who's always been fat that they are getting fatter.

67. I love going to church! (I have not always felt this way.)

68. I am a strong believer in karma.

69. I listen faithfully to Star and Bucwild and Wendy Williams. So addictive.

70. I've been to the movies by myself once. I sat next to a group of people so no one but them knew I was actually alone. It was Spike Lee's "Summer of Sam."

71. In high school, I auditioned for admission to NYC's infamous High School of Performing Arts (the "Fame" school) and I was horrible. They may even have my picture up in the halls as the worst audition ever.

72. I did a dramatic monologue which I forgot after the first sentence.

73. I sang Stacy Lattisaw's "Let Me Be Your Angel." I sucked.

74. I always thought I'd be a television news reporter. When I was little I would line up my dolls, make up stories and report to them.

75. or a talk show host.

76. I'm supposed to be famous....

77. I attended Catholic school all but two years of my life.

78. The two years I attended public school, I was at Graphic Communication Arts studying creative writing.

79. I had a class with Maxwell. Who knew?

80. I love freestyle music! Silent Morning and Running are two of my favorite songs.

81. I had an imaginery friend named, Julie, when I was a child.

82. I met DJ Diva at a Karaoke spot (B-52's) through mutual friends.

83. I put vaseline on my lips every night before I go to bed and I carry around a small vial of vaseline in my purse. I hate ashy, crusty lips.

84. and dirty fingernails

85. and bad breath (I carry a small bottle of listerine in my purse as well).

86. I wish everyone would.

87. I always carry so many bags that my friends call me bag lady (I always have a large duffel, a small purse, and any # of plastic bags).

88. When I get really angry, I hear what I would equate to the sound of rolling thunder in my ears.

89. I am NOT crazy.

90. I really like cats.

91. I have one cat named Luis.

92. I had a MAJOR crush on Kirk Cameron when I was a young'un.

93. I've never broken a bone (knock on wood. see #14).

94. I got punished in the 7th grade for changing a grade on my report card (it was a "C" -- the first one I ever got. I changed it to a "B." It was for music class. How dumb was that?!##@!)

95. I absolutely, positively HATE cigarette smoke. I get pissed off when I leave NY and remember that other states have not passed the smoking ban yet.

96. The month of September makes me sad --- for no particular reason. It just does.

97. I appeared as a guest on the Rolonda Watts show back in 1995. The topic was something about being a young college-educated woman and having a difficult time finding a good man. Eewww. Now that was stupid.

98. I once went on a date with someone I met off of HOT 97 Hook-UP Line. Probably the same year I was on the Rolonda show. As if I was going to find a good man on a hook-up line. That was more than stupid. And he was The WORST!

99. I'm obsessed with ring fingers.

100. I am a very loyal, faithful person who tries really hard to do things right. My man calls me V.O.R - the Voice of Reason.

Energy

2005-10-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

The following was forwarded to me by a colleague. This advice is something everyone can use as we come into contact with all types of energy in any given day - some positive and others not so positive. We need to recognize and decipher between the two because there are times when it's not so obvious when someone is draining our energy. It's possible that we are attributing our feelings on something else when it is really someone who is sucking the very life out of you. Recognize, Protect Yourself, then if possible Remove the Source of Drainage.
****************

There are times when you may find that being around certain individuals or groups of people leaves you with feelings of discomfort. It may be that spending time with a particular friend feels draining or that dealing with a specific coworker exhausts you. Being around toxic or angry people is also draining. And you may even find that being surrounded by a crowd of people lowers your energy levels rather than perks you up. This is not that unusual. Each of us radiates energy and is capable of being influenced by the energy of other people. It is important to learn how to shield yourself, so you don't unknowingly take on someone else's energy.

While some people know how to instinctively protect themselves from being adversely affected by energy, most of us need to discover and practice the technique that works best. There are a number of ways to avoid being affected by people's energy.

----Shielding is one preventative technique you can use. Center yourself and envision being enveloped in a cocoon of loving and protective light. This protective layer should allow you to consciously regulate the energy around you. The intent to shield oneself is all you need for this technique to work. You can even create a trigger word to assist you in quickly creating a shield. Say this word each time you create a new shield, until the word and the shield become automatically associated in your mind.
----If you run into a person whose energy you find draining, you may want to cleanse your own energy field after your encounter. Sage, cold showers, singing, mineral water baths, spending time in nature, and a simple break to recharge are all ways to accomplish this.

While it is important to know how to shield yourself from energy, there are those energies that you may not want to shut out. The energy of laughter from a newborn baby, the feeling of joy radiating from someone in love, and the frequency of calm emanating from an enlightened teacher are just some of the energies coming from others that you may want to have around you.

RIP Delia Pesante Brown

2005-10-13T17:54:00.000-07:00

across the lake
Originally uploaded by placeinsun.

My cousin, Delia, died today. She was 44 years old. Colon cancer. I found out she died this morning but I went through the day as if nothing happened. I kept working. I kept smiling. I kept on keeping on. I imagined that's what she would have wanted me to do. I also think if I stopped to think about it, I would have fallen apart.

We knew this day would come and it was keeping me up at night. If I did sleep, I would wake up in such a state of depression thinking about when it would happen. Saddened because though we didn't want to see her go, she was in a tremendous amount of pain. She'd been battling cancer for about 3 years but each time we thought she wouldn't make it, she'd bounce right back. She was a fighter but not a fighter in the sense people would imagine. She was fighting to live because no one loved life more than Delia.

I don't remember her so much as a child growing up. We weren't particularly close even now but she was someone who I might not speak to for months, pick up the phone and it's like we spoke yesterday. One time I was meeting with a client in the building where she did security. I had no idea she worked there and we were so happy to see each another. When my meeting was over, she took me all around the building to show off her "smart and beautiful cousin." She was so proud of me and wanted everyone to know. I can hear her now, in that raspy voice of hers dripping with that Bronx Latina accent, "This is my cousin, Lisa. Isn't she beautiful?" Never waiting for a response, she'd go on to rattle off all of my accomplishments to anyone who'd listen. This was before she got sick. She was so full of life and energy then.

As time passed by, she got sicker and began to lose weight and her beautiful jet black hair but she never lost her spirit. She'd never complain. You'd ask her how she was doing and she'd say "Me? I'm great! How 'bout you? You alright? You need anything?" It was never about her. She was always thinking about what someone else needed; about what she could do for you.

I also recall her driving my mom to an event that was taking place to celebrate my transition into my new role. Big deal, right? Except, she was really sick that day but had stopped by to visit my mom and grandma. When she found out my mom's ride had flaked, she said she would take her. It was the evening rush hour but she got my mom there. She wouldn't enter the room because she felt she wasn't dressed appropriately (and I hate to admit, I was conscious of what my colleagues would think. I truly regret feeling that way) and just wanted to see my face, give me a kiss and leave. I stepped out into the hallway and she said "That's all I wanted. To get your mom here, see you and tell you I love you."

This past summer she called to ask me to go with her to the street festival en el Barrio (the festival that takes place the day before the Puerto Rican Day Parade). I wanted to go but it was really hot that day and I was still trying to unpack boxes from my recent move. I didn't go and I wish I would have just to spend that precious time with her that I realize now I took for granted.

After this summer, her cancer spread. The doctors said chemotherapy could no longer help.

The final days of her life were spent in hospice at Calvary in the Bronx. We knew once she was admitted to hospice that she would not bounce back like all of the other times. This time she would go home.... permanently.

When I saw her during those final days, I couldn't believe my eyes. Her illness was truly eating her alive. She was half her normal size, her bones jutting out from everywhere, eyes bulging out of her skull. Legs and feet so swollen that she needed help to walk. When they drained the fluid from her legs, it filled 3 large jugs. I hated to see her like that. It was so frightening but what really amazed me was that she was still Delia. Her spirit was still there. She tried to sit up when we arrived and wanted kisses and hugs. When the nurse came in the room she introduced us all as her beautiful cousins. She even hugged the nurse for taking care of her so well that day.

I held her hand and she told me how proud she was of me, how strong she thought I was and told Samaiyah to always listen to me and make me proud. She had words of love and wisdom for everyone that night. That was the last time she would speak in full, coherent sentences. After that, she would only say one or two words or moan until finally, she could no longer speak. It took too much of the little bit of energy she had left.

Delia never got married and never had children. She had a love once but that didn't work out. She lived with her mom, grandmother, brother, his wife and her 8 year old nephew (who she took to karate every week until she just couldn't anymore). She was all things to everyone. She told my aunt over the summer that all she ever wanted was to be loved. I hope she knows how much she was loved by so many people. Though the love she was speaking of, I am guessing she never did receive.

Though I will miss her laugh, her energy and her positive spirit, I am glad she is no longer in pain and finally at peace.

RIP, Delia Pesante Brown, 10.13.05

Women should be the strong ones?!@#!

2005-10-12T18:37:00.000-07:00

The other night my man and I were laying in bed having those little late night talks about life, love and the pursuit of sanity. He told me about a guy on his job who's been married for about three years, has a kid and is always professing his love for his wife. Well, the other day the guy tells him that he went to a friends wedding in Jamaica (wife couldn't make it for some reason so he went alone) and swings an episode with one of the bridesmaids, who also happenend to be married and is a mother of 3. The guy was very remorseful about his actions but he could only describe it as "it was one of those things that just happened" -- I'm thinking how do you just happen to slide up into some ass but it's his story and he's sticking with it. He apparently feels even worse because he and this bridesmaid did everything that two hot heathens can possibly do to each other physically.

As my man is telling the story with all of the gory details, I'm thinking --- here we go, another disappointing story of a married man stepping out on his wife who has no clue that he went to Jamaica giving up her goods (I hope he used a condom). It especially bothered me because he'd told my man that he'd never cheated on her, never had any intention of cheating on her, she's a good wife, mom, he loves her with all of his heart, etc. but this "just happened."

As I was mulling this over in my mind, my man says something that focuses my attention back on him... "Damn, why did SHE have to do that? She has THREE kids. SHE'S married. " I ask him why he's so pissed at the woman when he doesn't know her from a hole in the wall and it's HIS co-worker/acquantaince who'd done wrong. Granted they were BOTH wrong but he doesn't know anything about this chick. He looks at me like I'm crazy and says "Well, the woman is supposed to be stronger than the man."

WHA?#@@!!?

So I ask him does this absolve the MAN of all wrong doing because they are the weaker sex? the sex with animalistic ways... the DOG? HELL NO! (of course, he say's NO it just hurts because women are usually the stronger ones... u see he's still saying the same bullshit, right?) anyways, that leads me to ask if he thinks all men cheat and he says no. I ask him specifically if he has faith in himself that he won't cheat on me now or when we get married and he says yes (very firmly, I might add).

Then he asks me if I have faith in him and I say 'yes' (somewhat firmly... he's given me no reason to believe otherwise.. he's proved himself to be a very good friend and man to me... but my faith has been continually shaken by all these stories of cheating men AND women. Both sexes should be strong and this strength should come from the mere thought of losing something so precious for a night of sinful passion - passion you should have w/ your mate and if ya lost it, you better figure out a way to find it - IN-HOUSE.

The other disturbing part (aside from my man's odd belief that the woman should have been stronger - glad he holds us in such high esteem but that doesn't mean we just swat the guy on the ass and say "bad dog" and forget about it) is that this guy had no problems with his wife and he still stepped out on her. That shit is scary! So you can be the perfect partner (and i know that's impossible but you can be pretty damn close) and still have your man falling into some stuff.... boggles the mind and hurts the heart.

Comes the Dawn

2005-10-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

Many, many years ago (so many that I don't even know the exact number) I came across the following poem. I was so struck by it because it was to me the poetic version of Gloria Gaynor's scorned woman's anthem, "I Will Survive." It reminds you that everyone gets hurt sometimes, it's a part of life and one thing about life that's certain is - it goes on. I committed this poem to memory at one point (I think too many nights in college messing with the chronic, erased some of my memory) but it was nice to come across it again and see how far I've come in learning how to take care of me. It' s a piece of wisdom I'll pass along to my daughter some day.

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company isn't security.
Kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.

So, you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.

And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.

You learn that with every good-bye
comes the dawn.

A Reminder of How to Live Peacefully.....

2005-10-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Reclaiming my Phenomenal Self

2005-10-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
but when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me A hive of honey bees.
I say It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Let it shine, Let it shine....

2005-10-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

There are many times when I wonder how I arrived at my professional place in life. I know that I’ve always been a good student, a level-headed person, and someone who’s always had a great work ethic. I’ve always been about my business. I was the salutatorian (the next in line behind the valedictorian) having maintained a 95% average throughout high school. I even have a picture posing with a very thin then Bronx Borough President Fernando Ferrer and black-haired Bronx District Attorney Robert Johnson holding a certificate celebrating my academic achievements. I received the Presidential Academic Fitness Award and of course, I was voted most likely to succeed.

These achievements continued throughout college – Dean’s Scholarship Award recipient for all four years, Black Student Alliance President, Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. Vice President and numerous other awards and honorary society inductions. I was poised to do great things and achieve much.

And I have. I’ll preface that by saying I did secure a job that I was NOT particularly proud of once I graduated from college though it did support my heavy partying-work all day- play all night habit for three full years. But once I landed the gig at the ivy-league institution at which I remain employed, I cleverly worked my way up through the “ranks” from an entry-level position. Seven years after taking the job, I am now the Director of my division, leader of my 4-person team, a member of the department’s esteemed “Leadership Team,” two-time nominee of the department’s “values” award, effectively managing budgets, partnerships, politics and the occasional asshole (particularly proud of this last one since I haven’t gone BX Borough upside some folks heads) and a holder of a Masters Degree from this same ivy-league institution.

But there are these nagging thoughts that often enter my mind – “You aren’t good enough. You aren’t smart enough. You don’t really know what you think you know.” I sit in meetings listening to my colleagues and think “I don’t speak as eloquently as she does” or “What the hell did he just say? Mental note: remember that word and look it up later!” This bugs the shit out of me. Why would someone with all that I’ve accomplished feel so inadequate? These self-deprecating thoughts are beginning to paralyze me. I used to love speaking in front of people, holding court in the front of the room but now I abhor the thought. More and more often, I am frightened to speak up and speak out. I used to have so much self-confidence but now I’m filled with so much self-doubt.

What happened to me? I wish I knew.

I suppose many different things – like a “colleague” who consistently reminds you that you “forgot to say x, y, z when you spoke” or when you are speaking, cuts you off to say “what she’s trying to say is….” Or people talking about particular books, movies, politics, etc. leaving me at times to wonder if I actually reside on the same planet as some of them. I could go on with these examples but that would only be making excuses. And quite honestly, half the time these people are fronting and posing and don’t know what the hell they are talking about their damn selves. But that’s beside the point. Even if birds are chirping in my head when some people are speaking, I’m not supposed to let anyone steal my shine or take away my power. I know what I know and can probably teach them a thing or two.

I must reclaim my faith and belief in my own capabilities. I need to remind myself that I sit where I sit not because of some quota or need to fill the color or gender gap, but rather I hold my professional position in life because I worked hard for it. I am smart. I am good enough.

This famous Mandela quote says it best:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."