Sometimes

Sometimes I don't want to be superwoman
always on time and reliable
always organized and focused
the single mother who holds down a full-time job
while juggling not just motherhood but volunteer activities and other affiliations and at the same time pleasing my man.
I'm tired.
Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode
which scares me because I am always holding it down and keeping it together while everyone else around me is "allowed" to have nervous breakdowns and curse people out.

My old boss used to do it all of the time
cry, scream, curse and act like a straight fool when she was "having a moment"
right in the office
me?.... I am seen as the unbreakable one
the one who remains calm in the midst of the storm
as I should - anything other than that is unprofessional as far as I'm concerned
but there are times when i do want to cry, scream and curse and act like a straight fool
and have my own damn moment
because
i'm tired.

But the Black Woman is always seen as the one person you can pile EVERY damn thing on and she will hold it down.
and i do, hold it down.
have been for a very long time.
but how much can one person take?
i'm mommy, daddy, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, girlfriend, best friend, soror, boss-lady, team player, colleague, board member, volunteer
not to mention
breadwinner, fire extinguisher or starter (whatever the job calls for), police officer, peacekeeper, housekeeper, teacher, manager, mentor, coach

Sometimes I just don't want to do anything
have to be anywhere
have to take care of anybody
and not because I don't love my daughter, my mother, my man, my friends or appreciate the opportunities God has provided me with.
I am so humbled and so very grateful but
Sometimes
I just get tired.

I just want to be catered to and taken care of with no strings attached
no feelings of guilt
I just want it to be about me for more than a minute

Sometimes
I wish I had a priviledged life
and didn't have to work so damn hard every damn day
I'm not saying I'd be completely happy
but it sure as hell would mean a little more time to focus on me and what I want to do
instead of always having to just make do
or just do because it needs to be done

Sometimes
I just want some damn peace
I don't want to feel so run down and worn out
and aggravated and impatient and
angry
I want to smile more often and laugh even more
and feel sad and scared much less
just like I used to
when it all really was so much simpler than it is now

Sometimes I just want to feel free
Sometimes I don't want to be superwoman
Sometimes I just want to be the old me