Be still, and know that I am God - Psalms 46:10

I am constantly moving. Always in a state of frenzy. Always doing. Always running. Even when my body is still my mind is running a marathon. In the morning when I first open my eyes, I try to say a prayer thanking God for allowing me to see another day, asking him to bless all of the people who are a blessing in my life and all of those who I don't even know are a blesssing or are about to become a blessing. But for the life of me, I could be five seconds into prayer and already my mind is wandering.
"What am I going to wear today? I wonder what the weather is like? I have to finish that project by noon..." Oh, I'm sorry, God. I'm supposed to be praying. Lord, pls. allow me to be a blessing to someone today...If I don't get that report done by noon, I'm going to have to reschedule that meeting for tomorrow. But tomorrow I have to drive to the program upstate....I did it again. God, pls. don't let me get stressed out today. Pls. help me to remain calm when people are working my nerves..I am going to be so nervous when I have to speak at the Open House. I need to prepare a few remarks......

And this is every morning. I can't even be still when I am tangled in my sheets with the eye trash yet to be wiped away. My mind is racing.

I realize though that God wants me to focus. Two people in less than 1 week quoted that same scripture to me. One person told me that God told him to write it and not to send his reply to my email until he typed that in the message. And right in the middle of the message was just that.

I was speaking with someone yesterday and she was discussing something in her life but when she spoke, she said it as if she were speaking of me.

I get it God. Just not sure how to do it. I am so conditioned to do 10.5 things at once. Pls. help me to learn to give you the attention and the time that you deserve. Maybe when I do this, I'll really know and understand what it is that you want me to do instead of me constantly running around in a tizzy trying to figure it out.

Representin'

I was having dinner with a participant in one of my programs. A really sweet Black woman who when I first met her gave me the impression that she wasn't that friendly. You know there are some people who no matter how nice you might be to them they are always looking at you like you are crazy. So I was quite surprised when she sat next to me at dinner and seemed very interested in me --- where are you from? how long have you been working here? etc.

After I told her a bit of my background, she reached over and said..."Sister, I just want you to know how proud I am of you. When I first came to the program and you introduced yourself as the Director, I was so happy. I love seeing young women of color in positions of power. Don't let these people stress you out. You continue to be a woman of integrity and honor. You just handle your business. I am so proud."


In a time when I am going back and forth about my purpose in my current position, spending so many sleepless nights about my future contemplating what I really want and need to be doing with my life, she'll never know how much her comments meant to me. While I don't know how much longer I'll be there (only God knows for sure), one thing I know is that if nothing else, I created a space where there was none before. And there are people who are proud and inspired by that. What a wonderful feeling that is.

On Hiatus

Ok I know I haven't posted anything in a minute.. Ok it's been more than a minute. It's been exactly 33 days. I've just been really busy with birthdays (my grandma's, mine, my daughter), the holidays (note that I did all of my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve (what the ____ was I thinking??) Anyways. I have ALOT to say and it's coming. Real soon. I made a promise to myself to stay true to the things that I like to do which are important to me... writing is definitely one of them.

Thanks to the new folks who posted who I have not responded to directly (my girl, DT and someone I don't know Curious 1). Not too many folks read my blog (partly because not too many people know about it and believe me that's ok) but it's nice to get some positive, uplifting feedback. Thanks.

Until soon.
Celena