I AM BACK!

I can hardly believe that it has been over 4 years since I last blogged. So much has happened in that time. Marriage, 2 kids, new job (which is now an "old" job) and a new "side" business. I have so much to share. I am literally keeping a list of all that I want to blog about and cannot wait to get going. The most difficult part will be to actually find the time to blog - with two children under the age of 2, one teen and a husband - this may prove difficult. I will have to figure it out like I do with everything else. I always say that there aren't enough hours in the day but if another 2 hours were added, I'd quickly fill that up and I still wouldn't have enough time. With that said..I must get some sleep before my day truly begins!

He Proposed To Me...

He Proposed To Me
------Kelly Price (lyrics revised by me)

IT WAS AN ORDINARY DAY OCTOBER 22ND
MY BABY HOOKED UP HIS PLACE AS A SPECIAL SPACE
SAID HE HAD A SUPRISE FOR ME
HE TOLD ME TO CLOSE MY EYES
SO THAT I COULD NOT SEE AND WHEN I OPENED THEM UP
HE WAS ON BOTH KNEES REACHIN' FOR MY HAND (THAT'S WHEN)


HE PROPOSED TO ME- HE PROPOSED WITH A DIAMOND RING
I STARTED SHOUTING - HE PLACED IT ON MY FINGER AND I SAID
YES- HE PROPOSED TO ME- MY BABY PROPOSED WITH A DIAMOND
RING I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT I LOOKED IN HIS EYES AND I
SAID YES.


I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT NIGHT- IT WAS 2:10 AM TO BE
PRECISE
HE LOOKED INTO MY EYES AND SAID-YOU'VE MADE ME THE
HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE. SOON AS I GOT HOME I CALLED MY
MOTHER ON THE PHONE- I SAID MAMA YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST
HAPPENED TO ME


WE WILL BE TOGETHER-THIS I KNOW
WE WILL LOVE FOREVER MY HEART TOLD ME SO
IF YOU PROMISE TO HOLD ME TIGHT AND NEVER LET ME GO
WE'LL BE HUSBAND AND WIFE
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES


After 4 years of courtship but most importantly after 14 years of friendship, JJ asked me to be his wife. Although I knew it was coming: we are planning for him to move in shortly; we were already considering wedding dates for 2007 and had already called on my line sister for her wedding planning expertise; and he'd been asking me for my ring size, preference and all that jazz... I knew it was coming.. what I didn't know was just HOW it was coming.....

All week I had the feeling this weekend would be THE WEEKEND.
There were SIGNS:
For one, wedding discussions seemed to be on the rise. We'd been discussing wedding plans but this particular week seemed to be laced with wedding talk. He was also chatting it up with my mom much more often than usual and she seemed particularly stressed. She was driving him a bit insane and though he didn't exactly put it out there like that ....I could tell. A big topic that week was whether or not he should call my dad to tell him he wanted to marry me. He's only met my dad once but that's a different blog. Nothing to do with J..just my own issues. After I told him that telling my dad before the proposal wasn't a big issue for me and that we could just meet with my dad over the holidays or something for them to get to know one another better, the discussion was dropped.

J had also requested to get off early on October 21st which in and of itself was weird because he usually talks to me about getting off early or taking days off and it's usually for a purpose. This time he just told me he'd done it. He also added that he thought it would be cool if we hung out with my cousins J and T. It had been a long time since we hung out together so he thought since he was getting off early and it was T's bday, we should get together.

He also tells me that we don't get enough QT together and he wants to pamper me, rub my feet (he's a master at that) and may even make me some dessert. I am not suspicious of this part because he does stuff like this and I'd just recently pampered him with a surprise bubble bath so I'm thinking "hey payback is great.:))

But that Monday, my cousin J calls me and says she was thinking that since it'd been a long time since we'd all hung out that we should hang out on Saturday... HMMMMMM..... so that night I ask J if he'd spoken to J and he says "Why?" (you see that's where he messed up cuz his initial reaction should have been "no" if they hadn't spoken) so I tell him about the voicemail she left me and he says "No. I didn't speak to her" and tries to change the subject. I say "Yall must have some ESP going on cuz how weird it is that you've been saying for the past few days that u want to hang with my cousins then J calls saying the same thing...HMMMMM.

Then he keeps stressing that he wants to eat at Cafe Espanol because he has a craving for their chicken francaise. Cafe Espanol is where we had our first date so I'm like ... THIS HAS GOT TO BE IT!! He's trying to throw me off by saying we are going to go meet up at some lounge, bar or whatever after dinner though no meeting place was ever decided upon until my cousin says she's going to celebrate her birthday at Jade Terrace on 48th and 8th avenue like the day before we are all supposed to hang out. I'm thinking he's going to have my fam and friends at Cafe Espanol where he will DO IT!

Sooooo I wake up on Saturday morning feeling really giddy and even write in my journal that I think today (October 21st) is THE DAY. I do my normal Saturday routine (laundry, cleaning around the house, paying bills, taking my daughter to basketball) but I also make time to get my HAIR AND NAILS DONE (I just knew he was going to DO IT that day, the hair and ESPECIALLY the nails had to be on point).
The only catch was I had my monthly sister circle meeting from 4-8pm and he wanted to meet at the restaurant at around that same time. I didn't want to cancel my participation in the circle so I did promise him that I wouldn't go over time and would meet him in the village as soon as it was over (and if it wasn't, I'd still leave).

During my sista circle meeting my mother calls and asks if I was still in my meeting and I'm like yeah, we started late. She gets all agitated like well don't you have to go home to change for when you hang out with J, J and T and I say "No, what I had on earlier is what I am wearing" which I thought was dressy enough but not overdoing it since I was supposed to be "surprised." She says "you are going to wear THAT?" so now I'm getting aggravated cuz I'm thinking why in the hell is she stressing what I'm wearing but then I remember.... it's all in the plan...She wants me to be more dressed up for the big "SURPRISE"... "What I'm wearing is just fine" I say and hang up.

At exactly 8pm the sista circle was all wrapped up, I freshened up and got myself ready to leave. I just knew that my sista circle crew of which one of my best friends since 9th grade is apart of, was going to hop in a cab to make it to the restaurant where all of the engagement activities I'd envisioned would be.
I say my goodbyes to them, jump in my car, then meet J.

When we meet, he's a little annoyed cuz he says my mom called him upset that I was short on the phone with her earlier, yada yada yada so I'm getting a little pissed myself. I try to call her to ask her why she called him upset but no one answers the phone. Then it hits me again....I shouldn't be pissed because she is probably at the restaurant now...and this is another part of the "PLAN."

We arrive at the restaurant and I realize that it is the other Cafe Espanol and not the one we had our first date at (which is on Carmine Street; we were at the one on Bleeker). But I think that this "change" in location is yet another ploy to throw me off...

We walk into the restaurant and I swear everyone is in on the BIG SURPRISE. I'm smiling at everyone like I'm Ms. Universe. Everyone seems to be smiling back at me so they've got to be in on IT. We place our coats in coat check while I quickly scan the coats thinking that I'll spot a familiar coat. I don't.

We are escorted into the restaurant and I am fully expecting to be led to a back room where the party in my honor is being held. Instead of leading us to a room off the back, the hostess seats us at at table for two upfront. A TABLE FOR TWO... ?!!?#$!? I'm thinking this is wrong. Where is the BIG room with the BIG party for my BIG moment??!!!?

Even though this seating arrangement puts a little glitch in the plan in my head, I am still POSITIVE that this is yet another tactic of his to throw me off. He orders sangria for us. We toast. We drink. We talk. NO proposal. We get our appetizers. We eat. We drink some more. No family members come bumrushing the area for the PROPOSAL. We get our salads. We eat them. We drink more. Where in the hell is the ring???? We get our meals. We eat. We chat. He asks me some crazy crap about the ring I want and what he wants as his ring and I'm getting a little ticked off. If he's going to propose to me any minute why is he still talking about ring styles. It should be in his pocket, damnit! I continue to smile. I scan the restaurant. Surely the couple beside us is in on the PLAN. We finish up our meals. Ask the waiter to wrap up what's left. He's surely going to do it now... where's my family??? Where are my friends? He goes to the bathroom. Yeah Boyeeeeee he's gonna do it when he returns. He's just a little nervous. I'm cheesing. Looking all around me. He returns. Is he about to....oh no...he takes his seat and asks the waiter for the check...
what the???@#@Q!!!

Check comes. Bill is paid. Are you ready?? Well I guess the hell so.. "Sure babe i'm ready." We get our coats from the coatcheck. There's still time. We leave.

He's not going to propose to me (womp womp). He MUST have plans to do it when we go on our cruise in two weeks. Determined not to let my disappointment show. After all, he'd wonder why I had a sourpuss face, I shake it off, sure of the fact that IT will happen while we are sailing the carribbean. I plan to enjoy the rest of the evening, partying with my cousins, and then afterwards, getting pampered as he'd promised along with the good dessert, I'm sure he's whipped up.

We head uptown to Jade Terrace where we are to meet with my cousins. They are running late so J and I find a park then chill in the car for a while before heading inside the club. The music at JT is cool but the people are young and we just aren't feeling it. We are trying to hang in there for T but we are getting restless and they have not yet arrived. It's getting later and later. J is ready to go but I don't want to break out before they get there. Finally they say they are outside (after 2 hours of us waiting.. it's now after 1am) but my cousin T realizes she left her ID at home and can't get in. J is pissed because he was ready to leave a long time ago. I tell him not to be like that because then I'd get pissed and we still had my pampering to get to.

We step outside which is madness in and of itself. Everyone and their mama is trying to get into the wack ass party. We find my cousins. Take a few flicks. Have a few laughs. We even witness a minor car accident while we are chilling outside (no one was hurt.)
After a while my feet begin to ache...shoes are cute but were not made for just standing around. We say our goodbyes. We head back to Brooklyn. I can't wait for my pampering!!

When we get to his door, he unlocks it then tells me to push it open. When I do, I am in absolute awe. Red rose petals are everywhere. A mink throw covers his ottoman which also has rose petals scattered about. On the floor next to the ottoman is a bottle of champagne chillin' on ice. The tv is tuned to the r&b smooth grooves station. There is one dim light on in the corner giving the room a dreamy effect. Tea lights are resting on his baker's rack (yes, the man cooks and bakes so he has a baker's rack) waiting to be lit with two small plates and forks beside them.

I feel all mushy inside and tell him how beautiful it all is. Of course, being the camera queen that I am, I start snapping pictures. None of what he has done has me at all suspicious because he'd been telling me about pampering me and he does really sweet things like this all of the time. Truth be told, I'm hype on the foot massage I'm about to get.

I go to the bathroom to wash up and he tells me not to go into the fridge for anything. "If you need something, just tell me and I'll get it."
"No problem." I say. I figure he doesn't want me to see what it is that he's baked for me.
After I'm washed up and take a seat on the coach still admiring the scene before me and taking in the smooth r&b sounds, he asks "Are you ready for dessert or do you want the rest of the food from the restaurant?"

Being the nosy person that I am, I can't wait to see what he's baked but I'm also a little hungry...I hesitate before I reply "Dessert!"

He disappears into the kitchen saying that he has to set it up so I'm thinking he's going to bring out a dessert that he's going to light up with sparklers or something. I feel really giddy at this point wondering what dessert he's cooked up this time. He reappears holding a large white cardboard box which he places on his baker's rack.

"Come here and open it up."

I leap off the coach like a little girl on Christmas morning ready to open her gifts. I open up the box and out of the corner of my eye I see him reach for his camera. At the same time, I lay my eyes on the cake...my favorite...strawberry shortcake with luscious strawberries around the outer ring of the cake... but there are some words there... in the middle of the cake...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I immediately slam the top of the box down. I don't believe my eyes. I feel like I might pass out. My body begins to shake uncontrollably. I lift the box back up and begin what I suppose is every "girlfriendwho'sbeing proposedtochant"..."OHMYGOD.OHMYGOD.OHMYGOD" I keep repeating this over and over, body shaking. He's snapping pictures. He then goes into the kitchen and comes out with a small mahogony wood box. He grabs my hand then gets down on BOTH knees. I'm still shaking.

"L, I may not be able to give you much but I love you and will try to always make you happy." I am caressing his head and hugging him to my chest while he continues, "I want to spend my life with you...

Truth be told I didn't even hear him ask me to marry him. I just yelled out "YES. YES. YES... put the DAMN RING ONNNNN!!!"

He puts it on which for the life of me I don't know how he was able to since I was shaking so damn much. He gets it on. I'm hugging him. Kissing him. Then... I look at the ring. I REALLY LOOK at the ring...

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD... the mantra resumes. I fall to the ground hugging my knees.. overwhelmed with joy and love. And DAMN... "This ring is CRAAAAAAAAAAZZZZYYYYY!!!!" I yell.

I'm rolling every which way on the floor, hugging myself, hugging my knees, admiring my ring, admiring my man... my FIANCE!! I can't get back up. He reaches for my hand. I tell him to sit beside me because I don't think my legs will hold me up. But he pulls me up to him. I steady myself. We embrace. We kiss.

"We're engaged, baby!!!" I breathe into his ear. Then I pull back and look into his eyes, "Are you really ready for this?"

"I better be!" We giggle like two little kids in a schoolyard who've just given each other an innocent kiss.

I look back at the cake reading the words over and over again. I can't believe this is happening. To me!! He pops the champagne and pours us two glasses. I raise my glass to him and tell him how much I love him, how happy I am and how I cannot wait to begin this journey with him. He looks at me with this really serious expression and tells me that he forgot to say something while he was proposing.
"I just want you to know that I love your daughter very much. When people ask me if I have any kids now, I say 'Yes, I have a daughter' and it feels good to say that."

I've known for a long time that he is the man for me but those words put the icing on top of the cake, the ring, and our life.

He is truly my everything.

Let the journey begin.....

Be still, and know that I am God - Psalms 46:10

I am constantly moving. Always in a state of frenzy. Always doing. Always running. Even when my body is still my mind is running a marathon. In the morning when I first open my eyes, I try to say a prayer thanking God for allowing me to see another day, asking him to bless all of the people who are a blessing in my life and all of those who I don't even know are a blesssing or are about to become a blessing. But for the life of me, I could be five seconds into prayer and already my mind is wandering.
"What am I going to wear today? I wonder what the weather is like? I have to finish that project by noon..." Oh, I'm sorry, God. I'm supposed to be praying. Lord, pls. allow me to be a blessing to someone today...If I don't get that report done by noon, I'm going to have to reschedule that meeting for tomorrow. But tomorrow I have to drive to the program upstate....I did it again. God, pls. don't let me get stressed out today. Pls. help me to remain calm when people are working my nerves..I am going to be so nervous when I have to speak at the Open House. I need to prepare a few remarks......

And this is every morning. I can't even be still when I am tangled in my sheets with the eye trash yet to be wiped away. My mind is racing.

I realize though that God wants me to focus. Two people in less than 1 week quoted that same scripture to me. One person told me that God told him to write it and not to send his reply to my email until he typed that in the message. And right in the middle of the message was just that.

I was speaking with someone yesterday and she was discussing something in her life but when she spoke, she said it as if she were speaking of me.

I get it God. Just not sure how to do it. I am so conditioned to do 10.5 things at once. Pls. help me to learn to give you the attention and the time that you deserve. Maybe when I do this, I'll really know and understand what it is that you want me to do instead of me constantly running around in a tizzy trying to figure it out.

Representin'

I was having dinner with a participant in one of my programs. A really sweet Black woman who when I first met her gave me the impression that she wasn't that friendly. You know there are some people who no matter how nice you might be to them they are always looking at you like you are crazy. So I was quite surprised when she sat next to me at dinner and seemed very interested in me --- where are you from? how long have you been working here? etc.

After I told her a bit of my background, she reached over and said..."Sister, I just want you to know how proud I am of you. When I first came to the program and you introduced yourself as the Director, I was so happy. I love seeing young women of color in positions of power. Don't let these people stress you out. You continue to be a woman of integrity and honor. You just handle your business. I am so proud."


In a time when I am going back and forth about my purpose in my current position, spending so many sleepless nights about my future contemplating what I really want and need to be doing with my life, she'll never know how much her comments meant to me. While I don't know how much longer I'll be there (only God knows for sure), one thing I know is that if nothing else, I created a space where there was none before. And there are people who are proud and inspired by that. What a wonderful feeling that is.

On Hiatus

Ok I know I haven't posted anything in a minute.. Ok it's been more than a minute. It's been exactly 33 days. I've just been really busy with birthdays (my grandma's, mine, my daughter), the holidays (note that I did all of my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve (what the ____ was I thinking??) Anyways. I have ALOT to say and it's coming. Real soon. I made a promise to myself to stay true to the things that I like to do which are important to me... writing is definitely one of them.

Thanks to the new folks who posted who I have not responded to directly (my girl, DT and someone I don't know Curious 1). Not too many folks read my blog (partly because not too many people know about it and believe me that's ok) but it's nice to get some positive, uplifting feedback. Thanks.

Until soon.
Celena

Making Peace

My father called me on Wednesday in the midst of one of my insane days at work to tell me that his wife was back in the hospital and that this is probably it for her.

"I don't know how much time she has. She could be gone today or tomorrow. Doctors can't say but she is very sick. So please call when you have an opportunity..." I was about to say "Sure, will do" when he hit me with "so you can make your peace with her."

I stayed quiet for a moment - long enough for him to know that I was trying my best to not go off on him.

"I'll give her a call. In fact, I may even stop by later on tonight if I can get out of the office. Please give me her info." This was out of respect and love for him and nothing more.

I've never had a relationship with this woman my father married when I was 8 years old. I guess the problems started on the day he married her. I wasn't invited to the wedding though I probably would have made a really cute flower girl. In fact, I didn't even really understand that they were married until I visited with my dad one Saturday afternoon back in 1982. I'd never met her and although my mom knew they had gotten married and may have even mentioned it to me, in my mind, I was just going to meet his girlfriend.

I came across the photo album while going through piles of stuff they had scattered all over the floor. (Guess I was perfecting my investigative skills even at that young age). It was a beautiful white album that said "Our Wedding" in elegant cursive. The first photo was that of what I now know is called the wedding party. I only glanced at my dad clad in a classy black tuxedo and flashing all of his teeth. My eyes lingered a moment or two on his ugly new bride in her lacy, ruffled white wedding gown. I barely looked at anyone in the picture. My eyes locked on this one cute little girl who looked about my age. She had on the prettiest dress I'd ever seen and she was holding flowers. She was doing what I should have been asked to do but I hadn't even been invited.

I wasn't mad at anyone for that incredible slight. No, my 8-year-old mind forgot about it a few bowls of ice cream later but that was just the first of what my relationship with his wife would take shape to be. She didn't want me apart of their world.

She was what one could playfully call an evil stepmother but her rude and just plain nasty behavior was not a game to me. She'd barely look at me when I came over for a visit. She'd grunt "hello" and keep doing whatever she was doing. If I slept over, I'd do my own hair when I got up in the morning which meant I wound up looking like somebody's neglected child. I understand that some people just don't like to comb children's hair - shoot, I don't like to comb my own daughter's hair but of course, I do it. The problem is she was a hairdresser who owned her own beauty shop. I can count the times on one hand that she did my hair in all the years she's been with my father.

On several occassions, I would call to speak to my dad and she'd say "He's sleeping" then slam the phone down before I could get the words "Please tell him I called.." out of my mouth. When I did finally speak to him, he of course would tell me that he never got the message. After about the 20th time of her hanging up on me, my mother called her and told her she would go over there and kick her ass if she ever hung up on me again. After that incident, she would simply hand the phone to him or mumble "MmmHmm" when I asked her to let him know that I called.

She never bought me anything, never acknowledged my birthday (though her birthday is only 4 days before mine and I would sometimes call her on her birthday), never wished me a Merry Christmas.

I was especially pissed off when my father had her tag along for one of the most important times of my life - my drive down to college. I didn't know she would be coming along so when my father showed up with her sitting in the frontseat, I don't know who was angrier me, my mother or my assorted family members and friends who were there to bid me farewell and had witnessed her mean-spirited behavior over the years. I had to sit in a little space in the backseat for that 8-hour drive since I had so many things to carry down to school. The frontseat should have been for me but again, I was given the shaft.

But it wasn't just about barely greeting me when I visited, not combing my hair, being rude when I called, or tagging along for my trip down to college. It was about what my father allowed her to do.

I never spent a holiday with her and my dad. I'd learned from my mom and again directly from my dad that she never wanted me there. She'd told my father when they got married that she didn't like kids especially his (he has another daughter from a different woman. My sister can't stand his wife either). We'd never done anything to her. We just existed. I was a child and she was the adult. She should have known better but more importantly, my father shouldn't have married a woman that could not, would not accept his children. But he did.

They were married for twenty-three years but a heart-to-heart with my dad about three years ago would reveal that their marriage was pretty much over at year 10. Their marriage had fallen apart a long time ago but they kept hanging in there for reasons beyond my understanding. It definitely wasn't for the kids - they never had any. And even as their marriage suffered he still allowed her to disrespect his children often chiding me for not being more cordial when I called the house or reaching out to get to know her. I know that he had a lot of arguments with her about her behavior as well but I felt that wasn't enough. If my man EVER treated my daughter badly he'd be out the door so quick his head would spin.

It wasn't up to me to reach out to her. As I got older I knew that I never wanted to get to know her. She wasn't a nice person to me when I was a child so why should I attempt to be kind to her as an adult. I wasn't rude to her. I just didn't deal with her unless I had to.

And I HAD to in 2000, when my grandmother passed away. We shared another agonizing 8-hour drive together to attend her funeral. My dad was already down south and he thought it would be great if his wife and I shared the drive down. I hated the thought but getting to my grandmother's funeral was the goal. I believe my father was hoping that we'd miraculously bond on the way down and be the stepmother/daughter duo he'd always thought we'd be. Negative. I don't think we said more than ten words to one another during that entire drive. I was wrapped up in thoughts of my dead grandmother who I would miss terribly and she.... well, who knows what her mind was wrapped up in. Frankly, I didn't care.

My father and his wife continued to remain engaged in their union despite their problems. When they finally decided to get a divorce because the arguments were becoming too much, too violent (she attacked him on several occassions. My sister and I plotted to beat her ass on those several occassions but decided against it in the end.) and just plain unbearable, they discovered she had lung cancer. She was a chain smoker. She and I almost got into it once because she even smoked in front of my daughter who she knows has asthma.

I can't say that I was particularly sad to hear that she had cancer. That may sound evil but I'm being real. What made me feel even less upset about it is that she continued to fight with my father even with her sickness. It seemed as if their relationship got even worse but he's been hanging in there to help her through the pain.

Now that she's approaching her final days, I believe my father still has hope that we will connect in some way. He doesn't realize that that will never happen. I did call to tell her she was in my thoughts but she could not come to the phone because she was in too much pain. I do feel bad to see any human being in pain and I sincerely wanted to tell her that I'd be praying for her. I even drove down to the hospital to see her yesterday but found out that she'd already left. She will be living her final days in hospice at home.

I called my dad to let him know that I'd attempted to see her and would it be ok for me to stop by today to see her but he told me she has plans. That struck me as odd given that she's dying but apparently today is the day of her retirement from the beauty business and it's the last hoorah she's been waiting for.

"This is why I was telling you to call or come to see her at the hospital" my father snapped.

"Well, I did call but she couldn't talk and I did go down to the hospital but she was already gone," I snapped back.

At that moment I decided that I wasn't going to make any more attempts. Some people are never meant to be friends or engage in any type of relationship. She was married to my father for over 20 years and it was never important to her to get to know me as it was never important or necessary for me to get to know her. Sometimes it's like that and that's ok.

She's dying and my father wants me to make peace with her but I was never the one with a beef. There is no peace to be made in my mind though I pray that she does rest in it when her time comes.

Crying in the Workplace

I did it.... I finally f***ing did it. Something I never, ever, EVER wanted to do because no matter how much I complain about being overwhelmed and having to carry an unbelievable load and be superwoman all of the time, I AM NEVER, EVER, EVER supposed to break down at work. AND I had the audacity to do it twice. Once in front of my old boss and again, in front of my new boss. It wasn't that pitiful, boo-hoo crying (thank GOD) but it was the "my team has worked our asses off and it hasn't yielded the results we expected, I'm disappointed, tired and just need to release for a moment" type of cry.
Mind you my old boss, as I've indicated in a prior blog, used to carry on like a madwoman at work (crying, cursing, screaming) when things weren't working out the way she' d hoped. I was a bit choked up and messed up my mascara HOWEVER that is soooooo unlike me, and I despise that type of shit. NEVER let em see u sweat. That's the school I come from. But I did it. I let them see me cry which is even worse. Both my old and new boss were completely sympathetic and very kind but DAMN why the hell am I letting shit stress me out so much that I actually shed a tear at work???!!##$#@!.
I just came back from a 10-day vacation, 7 days of which were spent on a cruise in the Western Carribbean with my man (it was great though I almost killed myself riding an ATV. Will write more on the trip and my near death experience at a later date) but now I feel like I never had a damn vacation. Being the HNIC is not fun and I can't believe I signed up for this shit. I don't want to be the boss anymore. It's too fuckin' stressful! And now I'm crying at work?? What the FUCK?!!?

I am so tired. I need to get my shit together or I might just have a damn nervous breakdown at work and I don't think I could live with myself if I did that. Any way --- What's up w/ me buckling under pressure? I'm acting like a straight bitch-ass punk. But I am soooo damn tired. Hmmmmm, I almost forgot.... this is my PMS week.

Anyway

I received the following piece in an email a very long time ago then someone sent it to me again just recently. I have placed it on my blog so that I can always remember it.

Sometimes I question why I do the things I do. While this piece doesn't give any answers as to why life can at times be cruel no matter what you do, it serves as a reminder that you should always attempt to be the better person regardless of how others might react. I am a true believer in karma - what comes around... you know the rest - no matter what, we should always remember that what we throw out into the universe will always come back to us tenfold. Why not throw out a little positivity?

*People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
* If you do good, people will accuse you of ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
* If you are successful you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
* The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
* Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
* People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for some underdogs anyway.
* What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
* People really need help but may attack you if you help them.
Help people anyway.
* Give the world the best you've got and you may get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.