Sometimes

Sometimes I don't want to be superwoman
always on time and reliable
always organized and focused
the single mother who holds down a full-time job
while juggling not just motherhood but volunteer activities and other affiliations and at the same time pleasing my man.
I'm tired.
Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode
which scares me because I am always holding it down and keeping it together while everyone else around me is "allowed" to have nervous breakdowns and curse people out.

My old boss used to do it all of the time
cry, scream, curse and act like a straight fool when she was "having a moment"
right in the office
me?.... I am seen as the unbreakable one
the one who remains calm in the midst of the storm
as I should - anything other than that is unprofessional as far as I'm concerned
but there are times when i do want to cry, scream and curse and act like a straight fool
and have my own damn moment
because
i'm tired.

But the Black Woman is always seen as the one person you can pile EVERY damn thing on and she will hold it down.
and i do, hold it down.
have been for a very long time.
but how much can one person take?
i'm mommy, daddy, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, girlfriend, best friend, soror, boss-lady, team player, colleague, board member, volunteer
not to mention
breadwinner, fire extinguisher or starter (whatever the job calls for), police officer, peacekeeper, housekeeper, teacher, manager, mentor, coach

Sometimes I just don't want to do anything
have to be anywhere
have to take care of anybody
and not because I don't love my daughter, my mother, my man, my friends or appreciate the opportunities God has provided me with.
I am so humbled and so very grateful but
Sometimes
I just get tired.

I just want to be catered to and taken care of with no strings attached
no feelings of guilt
I just want it to be about me for more than a minute

Sometimes
I wish I had a priviledged life
and didn't have to work so damn hard every damn day
I'm not saying I'd be completely happy
but it sure as hell would mean a little more time to focus on me and what I want to do
instead of always having to just make do
or just do because it needs to be done

Sometimes
I just want some damn peace
I don't want to feel so run down and worn out
and aggravated and impatient and
angry
I want to smile more often and laugh even more
and feel sad and scared much less
just like I used to
when it all really was so much simpler than it is now

Sometimes I just want to feel free
Sometimes I don't want to be superwoman
Sometimes I just want to be the old me

Sevens

At the request of DJ DIVA, I am completing my "7's" assignment:

7 things I plan to do before I die:

1. Get selected as an honoree for the annual Essence Awards for doing something phenomenal for my community. (I know it sounds kinda self-serving but I’ve just always wanted to wear a fabulous gown, waltz across the stage and recite a flawless acceptance speech. DAMN! I said I would do something phenomenal for my community first!).
2. Skydive.
3. Visit all of the continents.
4. Get married (or he’ll die!)
5. Go to law school or get a Ph.D (still tossing it up but one of the two will happen).
6. Write, publish, and sell a few million copies of a few books.
7. Be financially secure (sooner rather than later!)

7 things I can do:
1. Make people feel good about themselves.
2. Express myself on paper.
3. Dance.
4. Type really fast.
5. Remain incredibly calm in a crisis.
6. Zone people out.
7. Sleep in a club.

7 things I cannot do:
1. Cook.
2. Let things go easily.
3. Be the “other” woman. I am the ONLY woman. And don’t try me.
4. Let someone take advantage of me or my child or my mother.
5. Stop reading.
6. Stop writing.
7. Accept mediocrity.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. Heineken on a man’s breathe (see the “100’s”) – ok, just kidding.
2. Physique.
3. Style/Swagger.
4. Positive Attitude.
5. Drive.
6. Realness w/o being rude.
7. Nice lips/smile.

7 things that I say most often:
1. Asshole!
2. Dumb Ass/Dumb F***! (#1 and #2 are choice words when I am driving)
3. For Real?
4. That’s crazy.
5. I’m serious.
6. I'm so hungry.
7. It is what it is.

7 Celebrity crushes:
1. LL Cool J.
2. Robert Deniro.
3. Nelly (face….eh but body…. HELL YEAH!! And he’s got a cute smile).
4. Did I say LL Cool J?
5. Terrance Howard (his eyes are absolutely mesmerizing!)
6. Cory Booker (ok so he’s not quite a celebrity but being a politician is not so different. He looks way better in person, he's tall and he's SUPER sweet!).
7. Oh and I almost forgot… LL Cool J.

7 people I want to do this:

I don’t know anyone else who blogs except for DJ DIVA and she asked me to do it.

The 100's

I got this idea from someone else's blog (such a biter). Which is funny because only 1 person I know is reading my blog now (or at least aware of my blog). But at some point when I decide to let others know I even have a blog, I hope they'll enjoy reading this. Anywho... with all this said... DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!.... The 100's (100 random truths about me; note that the 100's is also the warm up exercise used in pilates which I should be doing right now... such a slacker.)

1. my middle name was supposed to be my first name but my grandmother told everyone that my first name was what it is now. My mom has no idea why she told everyone this but she didn't want my grandmother to feel bad so she kept the name and made my middle name what it is now, which is also the name used for this blog. r u following me?

2. I'm incredibly EVIL when I am hungry. Keep snacks around.

3. I have freckles on my nose.

4. I was blind for 2 weeks when I was about 2 years old. I wandered into my mom's neighbor's bathroom and decided to put cat litter into my eyes. I rubbed my eyes so bad that the insides were all scratched up and irritated. Wonder I ever got my eyesight back. Idiot!

5. I'm a pack rat. I keep everything (still have old letters and cards from elementary, HS, and college.

6. The first boy I ever kissed was named Lucky. Loser.

7. I like eating my french fries with ketchup and mayonnaise.

8. I was apart of a girl group I co-created in the 80's called Mass Transit (originally the Tenderhearts). We performed at block parties, holiday shows, hospitals, nursing homes, school functions, etc. I regret that we never made a record. I would have been proud to be apart of VH1's One Hit Wonders special.

9. I met Mary J. Blige 2 years ago. I love her. I am her biggest fan. Period.







10. I modeled in a fashion show once.


11. This is my line #. Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.,!!! (I haven't been financial in years...at least I'm honest. I swear I'm going to pay my dues next year!!)

12. I am half Puerto-Rican.

14. I'm superstitious.

15. I LOVE horror flicks. All time favorite? the first Halloween.

16. I ran in the Colgate Women's Games back in the early 80's and fell down on national TV.

17. I am a reality TV show addict: Real World, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Surreal Life, Temptation Island (forgot about that one, huh?), America's Next Top Model, The Apprentice, Nick and Jessica, Wife Swap, Making the Band, Ultimate Hustler, Being Bobby Brown, Run's House, Sweet 16.... should I go on?

18. If I could max out my credit card anywhere in the world (and not have to pay the sh*t back), I'd max it out at Barnes and Noble. I LOVE to read.

19. With that said, I do NOT loan out my books. You gots to get your own, my brotha!

20. If I were to do it all over again... I'd be a professional dancer.

21. I was voted "most likely to succeed" in high school. hmmmm.....

22. My favorite meal: Steak (medium rare), garlic mashed potatos, sweet plantains, oxtails with white rice, flan. Yes, I'd eat all of this in the same sitting.

23. I am deathly afraid of waterbugs.

24. and mice.

25. I like riding big scary rollercoasters.

26. I was a cheerleader for over six years... but I never did a cartwheel or a full split a day in my life.... And I was the captain of my high school cheerleading team. We had a cheer that was set to the beat of "Juicy" by Mtume... you see where this is going.

27. My first alcoholic beverage was a Calvin Cooler then I graduated to Cisco (remember "liquid crack"?) Now my beverage of choice is ginger ale (schweppes!)

28. I love the smell of freshly cut grass

29. and clean laundry

30. and heineken on a man's breathe (ok now that I am in a committed relationship, I don't literally mean any man's breathe... although even before this relationship, I wasn't going around smelling random men's breathe for traces of Heineken).. ok, I'll shut up about this one.

31. I never learned how to swim though I love water.

32. I was a waitress for several years. I both hated and loved that job.

33. I was also a cashier at Pathmark, a cashier at Fuddruckers, and sold men's clothes (high school jobs!!!)

34. I pick the skin on my fingers (yes, nasty but a nervous habit I can't seem to control). You'd never notice. I try to manicure on a regular basis.

35. I received my Masters Degree from Columbia University (while working a full-time job, going to school part-time and being a full-time single mom)... Damn right, I'm proud!!! ;-)

36. I simply adore haggen daaz vanilla swiss almond ice cream.

37. I can't drink coffee - it gives me the runs.

38. My mother almost named me Thomasina Andrea (after my father, Thomas Andrew). Thank God she honored my grandmother's choice (see #1).

39. I hate people who talk too much. Get to the point, please.

40. I put sugar in my grits. Lots of it.

41. I do not like talking on the phone (see #39).

42. I've kept diaries since I was in the 4th grade.

43. I'm allergic to apples. How's that for a random truth?

44. I despise plain white milk. It always tastes sour to me.

45. I partied at the Tunnel every Sunday night for like 2 years straight back in the late 90's.

46. I love McDonald's Fries, Burger King's Whopper Junior w/ Cheese, KFC's chicken (original recipe), and Popeye's biscuits.

47. I purchased my first real bed (not just a mattress and box spring) in May. I Love it!!!

48. I don't like lettuce on my sandwiches. (what's w/ all these random food references.. am I hungry?)

49. I do not like cold weather although I was born in December.

50. I'm a Sagittarius. Born 12.14.73.

51. New Year's Eve and Thanksgiving are my favorite holidays.

52. My Myers-Briggs Personality Type is ESTJ - though I feel much more like an "I" (introvert) than an "E" (extrovert) on most days.

53. I love Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino.

54. and James Todd Smith (LL Cool J)

55. and my man ;-) , "J."




56. I'm my mother's only child.

57. I have one child (for now).

58. I am not a morning person.

59. I had my appendix removed in 1994.

60. Though I like to eat, I do NOT like to cook (I am very grateful that my man does! Whew!)

61. I am extremely hard on myself. If I make a mistake I replay it in my mind for days, possibly weeks on end.

62. I've traveled to the following US states: New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, DC, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Georgia, Missouri, Florida, Chicago, and Nevada. I'd like to get to all of the states someday.

63. I've also traveled to Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Bahamas, Jamaica, St. Thomas, St. John and Paris, France.

64. My dream cars are the Lexus RX and the BMW 5 series.

65. I do not like when people repeat themselves and it's probably because they are talking too much (see #39).

66. I HATE when people say "You look like you've lost weight." For someone who was skinny all of her childhood and a good portion of her adult life, that is like telling someone who's always been fat that they are getting fatter.

67. I love going to church! (I have not always felt this way.)

68. I am a strong believer in karma.

69. I listen faithfully to Star and Bucwild and Wendy Williams. So addictive.

70. I've been to the movies by myself once. I sat next to a group of people so no one but them knew I was actually alone. It was Spike Lee's "Summer of Sam."

71. In high school, I auditioned for admission to NYC's infamous High School of Performing Arts (the "Fame" school) and I was horrible. They may even have my picture up in the halls as the worst audition ever.

72. I did a dramatic monologue which I forgot after the first sentence.

73. I sang Stacy Lattisaw's "Let Me Be Your Angel." I sucked.

74. I always thought I'd be a television news reporter. When I was little I would line up my dolls, make up stories and report to them.

75. or a talk show host.

76. I'm supposed to be famous....

77. I attended Catholic school all but two years of my life.

78. The two years I attended public school, I was at Graphic Communication Arts studying creative writing.



79. I had a class with Maxwell. Who knew?


80. I love freestyle music! Silent Morning and Running are two of my favorite songs.

81. I had an imaginery friend named, Julie, when I was a child.

82. I met DJ Diva at a Karaoke spot (B-52's) through mutual friends.








83. I put vaseline on my lips every night before I go to bed and I carry around a small vial of vaseline in my purse. I hate ashy, crusty lips.

84. and dirty fingernails

85. and bad breath (I carry a small bottle of listerine in my purse as well).

86. I wish everyone would.

87. I always carry so many bags that my friends call me bag lady (I always have a large duffel, a small purse, and any # of plastic bags).

88. When I get really angry, I hear what I would equate to the sound of rolling thunder in my ears.

89. I am NOT crazy.

90. I really like cats.

91. I have one cat named Luis.







92. I had a MAJOR crush on Kirk Cameron when I was a young'un.


93. I've never broken a bone (knock on wood. see #14).

94. I got punished in the 7th grade for changing a grade on my report card (it was a "C" -- the first one I ever got. I changed it to a "B." It was for music class. How dumb was that?!##@!)


95. I absolutely, positively HATE cigarette smoke. I get pissed off when I leave NY and remember that other states have not passed the smoking ban yet.

96. The month of September makes me sad --- for no particular reason. It just does.

97. I appeared as a guest on the Rolonda Watts show back in 1995. The topic was something about being a young college-educated woman and having a difficult time finding a good man. Eewww. Now that was stupid.

98. I once went on a date with someone I met off of HOT 97 Hook-UP Line. Probably the same year I was on the Rolonda show. As if I was going to find a good man on a hook-up line. That was more than stupid. And he was The WORST!

99. I'm obsessed with ring fingers.

100. I am a very loyal, faithful person who tries really hard to do things right. My man calls me V.O.R - the Voice of Reason.

Energy

The following was forwarded to me by a colleague. This advice is something everyone can use as we come into contact with all types of energy in any given day - some positive and others not so positive. We need to recognize and decipher between the two because there are times when it's not so obvious when someone is draining our energy. It's possible that we are attributing our feelings on something else when it is really someone who is sucking the very life out of you. Recognize, Protect Yourself, then if possible Remove the Source of Drainage.
****************

There are times when you may find that being around certain individuals or groups of people leaves you with feelings of discomfort. It may be that spending time with a particular friend feels draining or that dealing with a specific coworker exhausts you. Being around toxic or angry people is also draining. And you may even find that being surrounded by a crowd of people lowers your energy levels rather than perks you up. This is not that unusual. Each of us radiates energy and is capable of being influenced by the energy of other people. It is important to learn how to shield yourself, so you don't unknowingly take on someone else's energy.

While some people know how to instinctively protect themselves from being adversely affected by energy, most of us need to discover and practice the technique that works best. There are a number of ways to avoid being affected by people's energy.

----Shielding is one preventative technique you can use. Center yourself and envision being enveloped in a cocoon of loving and protective light. This protective layer should allow you to consciously regulate the energy around you. The intent to shield oneself is all you need for this technique to work. You can even create a trigger word to assist you in quickly creating a shield. Say this word each time you create a new shield, until the word and the shield become automatically associated in your mind.
----If you run into a person whose energy you find draining, you may want to cleanse your own energy field after your encounter. Sage, cold showers, singing, mineral water baths, spending time in nature, and a simple break to recharge are all ways to accomplish this.

While it is important to know how to shield yourself from energy, there are those energies that you may not want to shut out. The energy of laughter from a newborn baby, the feeling of joy radiating from someone in love, and the frequency of calm emanating from an enlightened teacher are just some of the energies coming from others that you may want to have around you.

RIP Delia Pesante Brown

across the lake
Originally uploaded by placeinsun.

My cousin, Delia, died today. She was 44 years old. Colon cancer. I found out she died this morning but I went through the day as if nothing happened. I kept working. I kept smiling. I kept on keeping on. I imagined that's what she would have wanted me to do. I also think if I stopped to think about it, I would have fallen apart.

We knew this day would come and it was keeping me up at night. If I did sleep, I would wake up in such a state of depression thinking about when it would happen. Saddened because though we didn't want to see her go, she was in a tremendous amount of pain. She'd been battling cancer for about 3 years but each time we thought she wouldn't make it, she'd bounce right back. She was a fighter but not a fighter in the sense people would imagine. She was fighting to live because no one loved life more than Delia.

I don't remember her so much as a child growing up. We weren't particularly close even now but she was someone who I might not speak to for months, pick up the phone and it's like we spoke yesterday. One time I was meeting with a client in the building where she did security. I had no idea she worked there and we were so happy to see each another. When my meeting was over, she took me all around the building to show off her "smart and beautiful cousin." She was so proud of me and wanted everyone to know. I can hear her now, in that raspy voice of hers dripping with that Bronx Latina accent, "This is my cousin, Lisa. Isn't she beautiful?" Never waiting for a response, she'd go on to rattle off all of my accomplishments to anyone who'd listen. This was before she got sick. She was so full of life and energy then.

As time passed by, she got sicker and began to lose weight and her beautiful jet black hair but she never lost her spirit. She'd never complain. You'd ask her how she was doing and she'd say "Me? I'm great! How 'bout you? You alright? You need anything?" It was never about her. She was always thinking about what someone else needed; about what she could do for you.

I also recall her driving my mom to an event that was taking place to celebrate my transition into my new role. Big deal, right? Except, she was really sick that day but had stopped by to visit my mom and grandma. When she found out my mom's ride had flaked, she said she would take her. It was the evening rush hour but she got my mom there. She wouldn't enter the room because she felt she wasn't dressed appropriately (and I hate to admit, I was conscious of what my colleagues would think. I truly regret feeling that way) and just wanted to see my face, give me a kiss and leave. I stepped out into the hallway and she said "That's all I wanted. To get your mom here, see you and tell you I love you."

This past summer she called to ask me to go with her to the street festival en el Barrio (the festival that takes place the day before the Puerto Rican Day Parade). I wanted to go but it was really hot that day and I was still trying to unpack boxes from my recent move. I didn't go and I wish I would have just to spend that precious time with her that I realize now I took for granted.

After this summer, her cancer spread. The doctors said chemotherapy could no longer help.

The final days of her life were spent in hospice at Calvary in the Bronx. We knew once she was admitted to hospice that she would not bounce back like all of the other times. This time she would go home.... permanently.

When I saw her during those final days, I couldn't believe my eyes. Her illness was truly eating her alive. She was half her normal size, her bones jutting out from everywhere, eyes bulging out of her skull. Legs and feet so swollen that she needed help to walk. When they drained the fluid from her legs, it filled 3 large jugs. I hated to see her like that. It was so frightening but what really amazed me was that she was still Delia. Her spirit was still there. She tried to sit up when we arrived and wanted kisses and hugs. When the nurse came in the room she introduced us all as her beautiful cousins. She even hugged the nurse for taking care of her so well that day.

I held her hand and she told me how proud she was of me, how strong she thought I was and told Samaiyah to always listen to me and make me proud. She had words of love and wisdom for everyone that night. That was the last time she would speak in full, coherent sentences. After that, she would only say one or two words or moan until finally, she could no longer speak. It took too much of the little bit of energy she had left.

Delia never got married and never had children. She had a love once but that didn't work out. She lived with her mom, grandmother, brother, his wife and her 8 year old nephew (who she took to karate every week until she just couldn't anymore). She was all things to everyone. She told my aunt over the summer that all she ever wanted was to be loved. I hope she knows how much she was loved by so many people. Though the love she was speaking of, I am guessing she never did receive.

Though I will miss her laugh, her energy and her positive spirit, I am glad she is no longer in pain and finally at peace.

RIP, Delia Pesante Brown, 10.13.05

Women should be the strong ones?!@#!

The other night my man and I were laying in bed having those little late night talks about life, love and the pursuit of sanity. He told me about a guy on his job who's been married for about three years, has a kid and is always professing his love for his wife. Well, the other day the guy tells him that he went to a friends wedding in Jamaica (wife couldn't make it for some reason so he went alone) and swings an episode with one of the bridesmaids, who also happenend to be married and is a mother of 3. The guy was very remorseful about his actions but he could only describe it as "it was one of those things that just happened" -- I'm thinking how do you just happen to slide up into some ass but it's his story and he's sticking with it. He apparently feels even worse because he and this bridesmaid did everything that two hot heathens can possibly do to each other physically.

As my man is telling the story with all of the gory details, I'm thinking --- here we go, another disappointing story of a married man stepping out on his wife who has no clue that he went to Jamaica giving up her goods (I hope he used a condom). It especially bothered me because he'd told my man that he'd never cheated on her, never had any intention of cheating on her, she's a good wife, mom, he loves her with all of his heart, etc. but this "just happened."

As I was mulling this over in my mind, my man says something that focuses my attention back on him... "Damn, why did SHE have to do that? She has THREE kids. SHE'S married. " I ask him why he's so pissed at the woman when he doesn't know her from a hole in the wall and it's HIS co-worker/acquantaince who'd done wrong. Granted they were BOTH wrong but he doesn't know anything about this chick. He looks at me like I'm crazy and says "Well, the woman is supposed to be stronger than the man."

WHA?#@@!!?

So I ask him does this absolve the MAN of all wrong doing because they are the weaker sex? the sex with animalistic ways... the DOG? HELL NO! (of course, he say's NO it just hurts because women are usually the stronger ones... u see he's still saying the same bullshit, right?) anyways, that leads me to ask if he thinks all men cheat and he says no. I ask him specifically if he has faith in himself that he won't cheat on me now or when we get married and he says yes (very firmly, I might add).

Then he asks me if I have faith in him and I say 'yes' (somewhat firmly... he's given me no reason to believe otherwise.. he's proved himself to be a very good friend and man to me... but my faith has been continually shaken by all these stories of cheating men AND women. Both sexes should be strong and this strength should come from the mere thought of losing something so precious for a night of sinful passion - passion you should have w/ your mate and if ya lost it, you better figure out a way to find it - IN-HOUSE.

The other disturbing part (aside from my man's odd belief that the woman should have been stronger - glad he holds us in such high esteem but that doesn't mean we just swat the guy on the ass and say "bad dog" and forget about it) is that this guy had no problems with his wife and he still stepped out on her. That shit is scary! So you can be the perfect partner (and i know that's impossible but you can be pretty damn close) and still have your man falling into some stuff.... boggles the mind and hurts the heart.

Comes the Dawn

Many, many years ago (so many that I don't even know the exact number) I came across the following poem. I was so struck by it because it was to me the poetic version of Gloria Gaynor's scorned woman's anthem, "I Will Survive." It reminds you that everyone gets hurt sometimes, it's a part of life and one thing about life that's certain is - it goes on. I committed this poem to memory at one point (I think too many nights in college messing with the chronic, erased some of my memory) but it was nice to come across it again and see how far I've come in learning how to take care of me. It' s a piece of wisdom I'll pass along to my daughter some day.

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company isn't security.
Kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.

So, you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.

And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.

You learn that with every good-bye
comes the dawn.

A Reminder of How to Live Peacefully.....

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Reclaiming my Phenomenal Self

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
but when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me A hive of honey bees.
I say It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Let it shine, Let it shine....

There are many times when I wonder how I arrived at my professional place in life. I know that I’ve always been a good student, a level-headed person, and someone who’s always had a great work ethic. I’ve always been about my business. I was the salutatorian (the next in line behind the valedictorian) having maintained a 95% average throughout high school. I even have a picture posing with a very thin then Bronx Borough President Fernando Ferrer and black-haired Bronx District Attorney Robert Johnson holding a certificate celebrating my academic achievements. I received the Presidential Academic Fitness Award and of course, I was voted most likely to succeed.

These achievements continued throughout college – Dean’s Scholarship Award recipient for all four years, Black Student Alliance President, Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. Vice President and numerous other awards and honorary society inductions. I was poised to do great things and achieve much.

And I have. I’ll preface that by saying I did secure a job that I was NOT particularly proud of once I graduated from college though it did support my heavy partying-work all day- play all night habit for three full years. But once I landed the gig at the ivy-league institution at which I remain employed, I cleverly worked my way up through the “ranks” from an entry-level position. Seven years after taking the job, I am now the Director of my division, leader of my 4-person team, a member of the department’s esteemed “Leadership Team,” two-time nominee of the department’s “values” award, effectively managing budgets, partnerships, politics and the occasional asshole (particularly proud of this last one since I haven’t gone BX Borough upside some folks heads) and a holder of a Masters Degree from this same ivy-league institution.

But there are these nagging thoughts that often enter my mind – “You aren’t good enough. You aren’t smart enough. You don’t really know what you think you know.” I sit in meetings listening to my colleagues and think “I don’t speak as eloquently as she does” or “What the hell did he just say? Mental note: remember that word and look it up later!” This bugs the shit out of me. Why would someone with all that I’ve accomplished feel so inadequate? These self-deprecating thoughts are beginning to paralyze me. I used to love speaking in front of people, holding court in the front of the room but now I abhor the thought. More and more often, I am frightened to speak up and speak out. I used to have so much self-confidence but now I’m filled with so much self-doubt.

What happened to me? I wish I knew.

I suppose many different things – like a “colleague” who consistently reminds you that you “forgot to say x, y, z when you spoke” or when you are speaking, cuts you off to say “what she’s trying to say is….” Or people talking about particular books, movies, politics, etc. leaving me at times to wonder if I actually reside on the same planet as some of them. I could go on with these examples but that would only be making excuses. And quite honestly, half the time these people are fronting and posing and don’t know what the hell they are talking about their damn selves. But that’s beside the point. Even if birds are chirping in my head when some people are speaking, I’m not supposed to let anyone steal my shine or take away my power. I know what I know and can probably teach them a thing or two.

I must reclaim my faith and belief in my own capabilities. I need to remind myself that I sit where I sit not because of some quota or need to fill the color or gender gap, but rather I hold my professional position in life because I worked hard for it. I am smart. I am good enough.

This famous Mandela quote says it best:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."